The Full Range of Humanity

Happy Monday! It's freezing cold and icy here (but don't worry, we still have classes. Just not any other college or public school. #BaylorStandard). I'm really excited about this post. I've had it in the back of my mind for a while, but everything has been so busy I haven't had time until now to sit down and actually write it. Excuse the mess it will be, but it's something that I am very passionate about.

I spend a lot of time thinking about humanity, cultures, societal expectations, and gender differences. There seems to be a lot of "rules" today for men and women, and how they are supposed to act to stand apart from one another. It's no secret that gender inequality is a huge issue. I wish we knew when it all started; when we moved away from God's intent of human behavior and accepted (especially within the church) these new ideas of masculinity and femininity. More than that, I wish we knew how large the effect is of these "rules" on children.

My senior year of high school I got to help teach a kindergarten class. For one class period, I would drive over to the K-1 and spend 90 minutes with 27 of my best friends in Ms. Howard's class. Some days we had recess, some days we had music class, and some days we had individual tutoring. Some days I helped with Ms. Howard's lessons, and some days I taught my own. One day a week, I would arrive just as my class was being escorted from P.E. to music. On one day in particular, a female gym teacher was walking the class down the hallway. I followed behind the line of adorable 5-6 year olds, receiving hugs, waves, and "Ms. Kelsey!!!"'s as they noticed me (these memories are still some of my favorite). As they walked on this day, though, I was stunned at the gym teacher's words for her kindergarten students. "I am so disappointed," she began, "today you boys played the game like girls. That was so embarrassing, and you should be ashamed. When the girls can do better than you, that's bad." Embarrassing? Excuse me? She clearly hadn't paid attention to the girls in the class, especially Lorelai, who could have beat any boy in her class at any sport. Beyond the obvious falsity of her statement, I was hurt for my kids. I was hurt for the girls, who had just heard that to be like them was embarrassing, and I was hurt for the boys, who had just been told they weren't good enough. Maybe I'm wrong, but I never thought Kindergarten P.E. was that serious.

I've spent a lot of time working with elementary kids in after-school programs, and I love them. Maybe that makes me crazy, but I'll accept it. They're worth the stress and chaos. I'm convinced that there is no other age group who can love quite like them. I've received countless handmade gifts (including a painted clay bowl for Mother's Day, because I was that level of important), been asked to birthday parties, sleepovers, and class presentations, and I've been hugged at least two million times. I am always amazed at the sincerity of their love and trust. Just by being there every day, I earned their trust enough that I could ask them for updates on problems they'd been having. Remembering that they had struggled and making the effort to follow through with them was so important.

I never imagined any of the kids I would work with would say "Miss Kelsey, will you come to my school play/show-and-tell/D.A.R.E. graduation?" and genuinely want me to be there to see them. Senior year, I got the chance to go to a D.A.R.E. graduation and see some of my 5th graders, and that was really special. One boy in particular, a trouble maker in the program, had no one else come to see him. We didn't always get along, mostly because our interactions were usually him getting in trouble for acting out, but that didn't mean that I didn't care for him.

He's a young boy in a tough world, where boys are expected to be alpha-males, to be strong physically and mentally, to never be emotional or weak. On top of those expectations, he was living in a home with a single mom and a younger brother. You could see the pressure he faced just by looking at him- to be the definition of masculinity for his mom and brother. That day at D.A.R.E. graduation, he wasn't supposed to be hurt by the fact that no one had come to see him. When his friends gathered around to point out their families in the crowd, he wasn't supposed to feel left out. And when I saw him looking around, desperately searching for at least one person he knew, and then finally seeing me waving at him, he wasn't supposed to be excited. And he wasn't- until the next day at program, when he quietly walked over to me and mumbled "uhh, I saw you at my graduation yesterday." to which I replied, "I know, I came to see you and the other kids. You did a really good job." he nodded and said "yeah, my mom forgot, but it was cool that you came." He smiled and walked away, off to most likely steal a kindergartener's toy or dump his water on a girl. But for a moment, we had a breakthrough- he was allowed to drop the act and be vulnerable, to tell me that it meant something to him to have support.

That is what I want for his generation. I want them to be surrounded by adults as they grow up who will offer them a safe space to be human. If we can do that, maybe they will grow into adults who not only provide a safe space for their children, but who are examples of living beyond stereotypes and limitations on a daily basis. I don't want my son to ever feel like he can't be upset or weak, and I don't want my daughter to ever feel like she must make herself small or be passive in her dreams. I want my children to know that God has created them so brilliantly- they are both mountains and valleys, able to overcome and stand above the rest, but also able to lay down and be still. To say that girls are limited or lesser is to insult the power of God, and to say that boys are emotionless and always strong is to insult the mercy and grace of God. We are created to do great things, but we are not created to be perfect- we must lean on God, not ourselves, to accomplish anything.

My prayer is that the kids I have worked with, who are now entering middle school and junior high, are growing up with safe spaces. I need them to be role models for my children someday, so they can see that fully living means to be unashamed to experience the full range of humanity, both strength and weakness. There is beauty in both, and true success in life cannot be achieved without experience of both. Beyond spirituality, it is physically and mentally healthy to experience the full range. It breaks my heart to see stories in the news of boys committing suicide because they didn't feel masculine enough- strong, emotionless, and overbearing; and of girls committing suicide because they didn't feel feminine enough- delicate, pretty, and quiet.

There is freedom in Jesus that comes from looking to Him rather than society for how you should live. There is joy in living beyond stereotypes and knowing that you are reaching your full potential.



-Thanks for reading! You can continue to follow my journey here. Prayers are always appreciated. Feel free to send me a prayer or some encouragement, too! Kelsey_Phipps@baylor.edu

 

"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, His generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Christ Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes." -Philippians 4:19-20

Mark Schultz, C.S. Lewis, and I...

"Then she heard a gentle voice, like an echo from above... 'I have been there; I know what pain is all about. Yes, I have been there- and I'm standing with you now. Oh, I have been there, and I came to build the bridges of this road that will lead you home."

Fear, pain, and sorrow. Three things that Mark Schultz mentions in his song "I Have Been There," when referring to the things Jesus has experienced alongside these people.

There really isn't a whole lot for me to post today, but today was my day to update, so I wanted to stay on track.

Do you ever have those days where everything that could go wrong has gone wrong, all at once, and you just feel like there's nothing you want to do but lay in bed and forget that anything exists?

That's today. That's this week. So many blessings have been happening, and now the enemy comes in to try to steal them. I'm working on not letting that happen. God's peace is reality, not the trials I'm facing.

Originally, I had no interest in 50 Shades of Grey, just saw it as another sex movie that many women were using to create a "holier than thou" competition out of. But as I read more and more about it, I understood a deeper meaning than the sex in it. A lot of what I study and hope to do with my life is to be a voice to victims of abuse that the media DOES have an influence on what our society condones and supports, and have an impact on that. The "Like A Girl" campaign is a great example- they have begun to turn a negative, demeaning phrase into a positive, empowering slogan for women everywhere, of all ages and walks of life, to find a place within. 50 Shades works the other way. It takes sex and female empowerment and warps them into a very scary picture. The girl in the book does not consent to everything that happens, and the man is a controlling, manipulative, abusive man who is now hailed by women everywhere as the perfect man. "He's rich, powerful, in control..." Okay, so take away his money and good looks. Now is he still so perfect? No- most women would describe him as a creep. But I digress.

The point is that I am working hard towards my goal. I want to spend my life being a voice and being part of a movement that reshapes how the media portrays women, victims, and people in general. The media is the biggest influence on my generation. They tell us what to think, and for the most part, we say "okay!" and move along to the next thing. We are desensitized. Girls as young as age eight have eating disorders. Half of girls age eleven report being on a diet. Every woman can say that she's seen something in the media that made her feel seriously bad about herself. The same goes for men, too. Men are supposed to be emotionless, extremely physically strong, and are supposed to be in a constant top-dog battle. It's a web that we al become tangled in. I want to change that. The media only gets to say/do these things because it sells. They make money off of it. So imagine if they didn't- if we stood up and said, "hey! That's not true and it makes us feel bad so we aren't going to listen to it." They would have no choice eventually but to say, "okay, so what DO you want?" Because what THEY want is to make money. There is a problem, and there is a solution.

So even on a terrible day like today, I am working on my goals. I am remembering that God has me here for a reason, that I am valued and worthy and loved, and that I am not alone. I'm struggling, yes but I'm not giving up. I am pushing forward.

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." -C.S. Lewis



-Thanks for reading! You can continue to follow my journey here. Prayers are always appreciated. Feel free to send me a prayer or some encouragement, too! Kelsey_Phipps@baylor.edu

 

"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, His generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Christ Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes." -Philippians 4:19-20

Shepherd and Counselor; Faith and Contentment

Matthew 6:25-27 says "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air' they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"

The answer to that question is no. Worrying is not of God. At no point in the Bible does someone ask God what to do and receive an answer of "Well, you should probably worry, because that seems like a pretty big problem." Not even Adam and Eve, when they lose the garden, Not Mary, when she must carry and deliver the son of God, not Moses, when he frees the slaves, not Abraham and Sarah, when they ask for a child, not Noah, when the Earth floods, not Jonah, Ruth and Naomi, Mary and Martha, or any of the disciples... Not anyone in the Bible is told by God to worry. These people all faced some pretty life-changing problems and events. Imagine being responsible for the fall of man, being the mother of Jesus, being 100 years old and pregnant, or even living in a time when Christianity was so illegal that they fed you to lions for professing it-- I feel like I would worry a bit about those things if I encountered them. In fact, thinking about those problems makes all of my problems suddenly seem, well, not so problematic.

One of my favorite women in history is Perpetua. She lived during a time when Christians were being executed lion's-lunch style. Perpetua had just given birth to a little boy and was still nursing at the time she was brought before the leaders to either profess or deny her faith. Before she begins to speak, her father approaches her and begs her to renounce Christianity so she can come home to her child. He tells her that without her nursing, her baby boy will likely die. Perpetua knows that there is no hope for her being spared from death if she admits to being a Christian, yet she also knows there is no hope for her soul if she walks away from God. She chooses to trust God's plan and tells her father, "Do you see this vessel lying here... a little pitcher... Can it be called by any other name than what it is? Nor can I call myself anything other than what I am, a Christian."

Her father gets so angry that he abandons her. Perpetua spends the next few days seeking God and praying over the calling for her life. She prays that God would save her baby, and not long after, the child is brought to her so she can nurse him. However, the child rejects it, and though she has not nursed in weeks, Perpetua feels no pain. She glorifies God in her martyrdom, never worrying about whether her child will be cared for, because she knows that her God is more powerful than any Earthly force, and though they can separate child from mother, they cannot separate child from God. She also does not worry about her own life, because she trusts in God's will for her.

Worry is unhelpful, unreasonable, and unhealthy. We just started a new series in church, and last Sunday, worry was the topic. I loved the quote we heard from Dr. Charles Mayo, "You can't worry yourself to life, but you can worry yourself to death."

One of the biggest things I struggle with is control. Worry stems from wanting to have control over things that are out of your hands. Faith and worry are not compatible. If you trust God's will, you cannot simultaneously worry about your life. When you worry, what you are really saying is "God, I don't trust you. I want to control my own life because I don't think you will provide for me."

Thankfully, we have a God who ignores that ridiculous behavior, and guides us anyways.

Psalm 23 says that "God is MY shepherd...." not a shepherd, or the shepherd, but mine and yours. What does a shepherd do? He tends for sheep. We are the sheep in this- and sheep need a shepherd to survive. As far as animals go, I'm fairly sure sheep are at the bottom of the "self-survival" list. They have almost zero instinct to protect themselves, and the sad part is, they don't even know it. That's a good comparison to humans. We think we can do it, but we just can't. We spend so much time saying "This is what my heart wants, I want to be happy, I have a plan, etc..." but we forget to stop and ask what God has for us. God's plans are always so much better than our own. When we try to live for ourselves and for our own gain, we not only usually fail, but we miss out on many wonderful experiences that can only be reached when we live within God's will. I know so many people, especially people my age, who think they are living their best life by doing whatever they want to do, whatever comes their way and looks like it could bring happiness/contentment. The problem with that, though, is that contentment cannot be brought through things. It is formed through whatever we already have along with trust that God will keep us where we need to be. When you try to do your own thing, you almost guarantee that you will end up worrying about things. It's an endless cycle that gets you nowhere.

As sheep, that's all we can do on our own- live in a cycle of worry and failure. However, when we let our shepherd guide us, we can break the cycle and begin to live a truly fulfilling life. We discussed four things that our shepherd does in church:
1. He provides,
2. He protects,
3. He directs, and
4. He guides.
There is a difference between directing and guiding. To direct is to stay in one position while giving directions to another. Think of a time you were lost somewhere and asked for directions- the person most likely just gave you street names or landmarks to follow. Guiding involves going along, leading the way- like a tour guide.

So, to summarize: we shouldn't worry. God's good and perfect will never fails. When the universe was created, every human to ever walk the earth was formed in God's plan, and every breath we take is recorded before we are even born. Thinking about that amazes me- to know a God who literally has already seen every act of your lifetime, but who loves you extravagantly anyways.

Before I close, I should say that there are two things we should be worrying about:
1. Trying to shepherd our own life, and
2. Trying to save and forgive ourselves.
Why would we ever want to be our own shepherd when we have no idea what tomorrow holds? Especially when there is a shepherd who does know and is willing to take us in as soon as we call. Secondly, we simply cannot save or forgive ourselves. It doesn't work that way- not even in Earthly things. If you were to rob a bank, get caught, and stand before a judge, you could not say "Oh, wait! You should know that I have already forgiven myself." and get away with the robbery. You cannot live for yourself. The human heart is not to be trusted. You may acquire short-term gratification from living your own way, but you will never find true happiness apart from God.

Listen, you are so abundantly loved. The Bible tells us that nothing can ever separate us from this extravagant love. Jesus' love for us is so limitless that He endured the worst pain you could ever imagine. "You took the fall, and thought of me above all." Live in this love and trust in this promise.



-Thanks for reading! You can continue to follow my journey here. Prayers are always appreciated. Feel free to send me a prayer or some encouragement, too! Kelsey_Phipps@baylor.edu

 

"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, His generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Christ Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes." -Philippians 4:19-20

If I had the chance to start over.

Dear Kelsey, five years old,
Make as many memories as possible in the big blue house on Truman St. This is where you grow up. Please, for the love of all things holy, keep your room clean (well, not all the time. It's fun to spend the day with Grandma Patty cleaning). Love your little brother, and when he treats you badly, walk away and remember that he is the only little brother you have, and that he is a truly wonderful person who will always be so important in your life. Listen to Mom and Dad. Try your best in school, because homeschooling is preparing you for so many incredible things you can't even imagine. Pay attention to things. Listen to Mom and Dad talk and soak it all up. I know that times are so hard during these years, with no money and a lot of sadness, but instead of sitting in your room wondering if God exists, open your eyes, because He is sitting next to you, holding you and carrying you through so many heartbreaks that your little heart shouldn't have had to endure. Trust me- I know. I look back now, and I see very clearly that He was right there speaking to you. Love your daddy with all of your heart. He works harder than anyone you will ever know, and it's all for you. His heart holds so much love, wisdom, and grace. He is full of life and he has overcome mountains taller than real-life ones. Tell him you love him, because I know there are times when it doesn't look like it. Love your momma with all of your heart, too. Tell her every day that you are so thankful for her, because she could be out living her own life, but she's spending her days at home with you, teaching you and shaping you into something beautiful. I know, I know- things get really bad. When you have to leave the big blue house and move into the tiny, dirty trailer, don't look down on your family. Be grateful for the home God has provided you with, and use the small space to be even closer to your family. Your momma makes that house a home. It looks beautiful for what it is. Cherish the work they put into it. Do not sit in your room and think that the only thing God has for you is to live in this town and be married. Dream BIG, sister. I would tell you how things are turning out now, but you would never believe me. He counts the stars and knows them by name; you are not forgotten, not even a little bit. Lastly, make the most of living in the same town as Grandma Patty and Grandpa Earl. Ask Mom to go see them as much as possible. Ask Grandpa to tell you every story he can think of. Just sit in the presence of your family and know that you are so blessed beyond measure.
Learn these things now, so you don't have to later on.


Dear Kelsey, thirteen years old,
New schools suck. That's the absolute truth, and I'm sorry I can't give you anything better than that. But schools aren't new forever. Make a home where you are. Popularity literally does not exist. Everyone is human. People group themselves according to personalities/interests. No group is better than another. Embrace humanity. The apartment is smaller than some of your classrooms, but you are now next door to Papa and Lowie, and they are just too amazing. It's so much fun to see your grandma every day. Yes, she gets better. Don't sit in the bathroom and cry, but instead pray for her for strength and peace. She is so strong, and nothing can keep her down. She's still one of the most influential and important people in your life. Listen, things aren't easy right now. And you don't know the whole story, but that's okay. When you do know, you will be thankful for a God who kept you separate from what the devil was trying to do to your family. Sharing a bedroom with your brother is just not fun. But at night, when you can't sleep, pray for him. If you think you are having a rough time, imagine him-- the same situation, but two years younger. He has a heart that is hurting and he needs you to be there to lead him. Mom is in college, and you hate it now, but holy crap, Kels- watch her. She is blossoming. She is shining so brightly and that is something to be proud of. No, she can't be there for you all the time anymore, but she is a human, too, and she deserves to be happy. She's so incredible. YES, you DO want to be JUST LIKE HER! She never quits. She's your best friend. Someday, you'll want to spend every day with her, and you'll tell her everything. Your dad is taking any job he can, and things are stressful because there's no money, but don't get mad when he can't give you what you want. Respect him for the work he's putting in 24/7. He's working through some things in his own heart, and they are so important. He is learning to value himself. You love Dad more than anything. Someday, you'll call him every single night just to hear him talk. Mom and Dad Do make it through everything. They are an unbreakable force, and the devil just can't win against the power God has placed in their marriage. Once again, just like always: you are not alone. God sees you, God loves you, and God is right in the middle of your world, making all things new. Love yourself, girl. Do not think about ending your life. Do not listen to anyone who tells you that you are not enough. Do not stand in the mirror and hate what you see. God created you! You are BEAUTIFUL! Please love yourself. Please. Push down the walls and let people in. Trust God. You still wouldn't believe me if I told you about life after high school.


Dear Kelsey, sixteen years old,
No, this isn't life. This is God showing you that you are strong enough to make it. This is God trying to open your heart to Him so that you can enter true life. I promise that you cannot do it alone. Stop trying altogether and just listen to His voice. You meet your best friend this year. Hug her even when she doesn't want you to. That girl is a freakin' miracle for you, and she needs to be loved. She's gonna shine, someday, and God is speaking through you into her life. She'll tell you that someday... You'll cry. A lot. It's awesome. Don't listen to the teachers and coaches who are telling you that you're failing. They'll tell you until the day you graduate, and even after when you visit home from college. It's funny, though, how wrong they are. I can't believe that you STILL wouldn't believe me if I told you about life in just three years. Ha! Hold on, girl. It gets so much better. Listen. To. Mom. And. Dad. DO NOT be quick to anger. I know that you think you are so grown up and life is not fair because they treat you like a child, but someday, you will miss that. You will want your momma to take care of you. You will want your dad to walk in your room when he gets home from work and say hi. I know you love your brother, and I know that you spend countless hours defending him and praying for him.... But he doesn't. Involve him in that. Be proactive in forming a relationship with him. He's getting ready to shine, too. It's amazing! He still needs his big sister. Be the bigger person and love him more. Don't spend too much time away from family. I know they're crazy, but someday, they will be all you can talk about. You'll bring them up in conversation constantly. People will outright tell you "you must have a really close family!" and yes you do, so be proud now. Love yourself. Now, more than ever. See the value that God has placed in you and don't give anyone the authority to take it away. Not peers, bosses, friends, teachers, or coworkers. SHINE and GROW where you are planted. There is literally no limit to what you can do.

Dear Kelsey, eighteen years old,
I told you that you wouldn't believe me!!!!!! Stop right now. Commit to never living in fear again. Commit to trusting God with all of your heart, before you even pack one thing. When you leave for college, make sure your heart is ready. Fill it with God and family and be consistent to listen. "Be still and know that I am God." Do not, do not, do not sit around in your room. Everyone is telling you that, I know- so listen!!!! It's literally that easy. You have nothing to lose when the steps you take are led by God. It's not easy. It's the hardest thing yet. But do not make yourself sick over missing home. No one is forgetting you or leaving you behind. They will drive three hours to meet you at the airport and hug you and cry. They will cry every time you leave. They will pray for you every day. You are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses who are cheering for you. Don't take that the wrong way- they aren't watching for you to fail. If you fail, they are there to help you up. It's amazing. It's overwhelming. It's glorious. It is the kingdom of God in action. Congratulations on your achievements! I hope now that you believe that there is literally nothing limiting you. Go for it, whatever it is. It either happens, or God has something else. Either way, you win. You have the very best parents and sibling and entire family. You can do this. You have been through the hard times we already talked about, and you now know that God was there the whole time, and you never really fell. Believe that that truth has not and will not ever change. Love yourself.

Sincerely,
You, age nineteen and catching up on a lot.



-Thanks for reading! You can continue to follow my journey here. Prayers are always appreciated. Feel free to send me a prayer or some encouragement, too! Kelsey_Phipps@baylor.edu

 

"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, His generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Christ Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes." -Philippians 4:19-20

Prodigal Daughter Returning

Whoa, what a title. I'm back! It's not as dramatic as it sounds, though. This daughter is not just returning to her blog, but to God's presence and plan. We'll get into that later. While it was not intentional that I haven't posted for 3 months, I have always tried to be purposeful in my posts. My "drafts" section is quite full at the moment. I have written things and then never felt led to post them. Nevertheless, it is always good to write down what you are thinking, so my drafts will remain, for now, a personal space for thoughts I need to work through.

I have never made a serious New Year's resolution. They seem pointless to me, for the most part. A new year comes around pretty often. So this month, I made my own version- a New Semester resolution. You only get to have your first year of college once. Last semester, even though I was adjusting to an entirely new life, I didn't have a stable goal. I was living in negativity, for the most part. I hated myself for moving to Texas and I thought the entire thing was a mistake. I was miserable. I had no friends, nothing to look forward to (except going home) and I was very depressed most of the time. I did the one thing that everyone told me not to do- I sat in my dorm, sometimes for a whole day or an entire weekend. I worried constantly about everything that could go wrong.

The reality of my situation is that I wanted everything to be different except me. I didn't want to change or adjust. I wanted things to simply happen how I thought they should in order to please me. It was a very long and hard semester. The first week that I was home for winter break, I woke up around midnight having a terrible panic attack. I was terrified. I sat in the living room with my dad and cried and begged him to let me stay home. I convinced myself that I didn't belong there. My dad was so patient with me. (I could- and probably should- make an entire post just about the incredible parents I have) We talked for a long time about who I am the way I handle things, and about Baylor, God, and life in general. I knew I couldn't just quit one semester through. Four months is hardly a fair chance to give such a big adventure.

I have come so far since I was a freshman in high school. That Kelsey would never have even left her hometown for college. She was afraid of everything. She thought that God didn't see her, and in her darkest days, feared that God had no plan for her. Those fears and thoughts rooted themselves and grew terrible beliefs. Her heart was bitter and cold, and she lived with so many walls around herself that eventually she forgot how she had even built them, and so remembering how to tear them down has been a very long, hard process.

Going into my second semester of freshman year, my resolution is to live in peace and trust God that my every step is guided by a good and perfect plan. I am choosing joy amidst a rollercoaster of emotions. When I am sitting in my room at night missing my home, I thank God for blessing me with such a wonderful home, filled with nice things and loving people, to miss. When I am seeing Facebook posts or reading texts about all the things my friends and family are doing, and I long to be back with them to part of it, I thank God for putting me in the middle of such a passionate, amazing group of people who have taken wonderful care of me and who I can always count on to nurture my soul. When I feel like I will fail, I remember that I am here at Baylor because God has brought me. I can trust that as long as I do what is put in front of me, I will not fail.

So far this semester, I have been accepted into a wonderful Christian sorority on campus. Kappa Chi Alpha is a sisterhood filled with girls who have beautiful hearts. Being around them makes me feel loved, cherished, and welcomed. I am finding a home in KXA.

It's good to be back!
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While I was writing this, I was listening to Pandora. It's amazing how God uses music in my life to speak to me. Here are a few lyrics from some of the songs that played. (:

"Holy is the Lord God, Almighty! The earth is FILLED with His glory!"
"If it's Your will, then nothing can shake me... We've got to be children of peace."
"He is jealous for me. He loves like a hurricane, and I am a tree: bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy. I realize just how beautiful You are, and how GREAT your affections are for me. Oh, how He loves us!"
"Jesus, He loves me. He loves me; He is for me. Oh, Jesus, how can it be? He LOVES me; He is for me."
"For all Your goodness, I will keep on singing; ten-thousand reasons for my heart to find."
"You make beautiful things out of dust. You make things new, and You are making me new."
"What could I say, and what could I do, but offer this heart- Oh, God- completely to You?"
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-Thanks for reading! You can continue to follow my journey here. Prayers are always appreciated. Feel free to send me a prayer or some encouragement, too! Kelsey_Phipps@baylor.edu

 

"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, His generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Christ Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes." -Philippians 4:19-20

 

"Open when... You need to be inspired."

First of all, I want to say how much I love and appreciate my Aunt DeAnn and Uncle Brian-- their words, wisdom, hearts, and actions have given me an infinity of blessings and love in my life. For graduation, they wrote me a series of "Open when..." letters; I have always wanted a set of these and receiving them from people who have poured so greatly into my life was the best gift they could have given me.

Within the set of brightly colored envelopes, near the back, is a yellow one titled "Open when... You need to be inspired." These past two weeks have been the hardest I've gone through here at Baylor so far. They have been filled with a deep longing to return home, a seemingly endless ache in my heart that has emptied me of all hope and faith. I spent an entire weekend sitting in my dorm room feeling alone and miserable. I called my parents constantly, begging them to come get me and coming up with a million reasons why I don't belong here at Baylor. And who knows if any of those reasons are true or if any are completely false, the only thing I know right now comes from something my dad told me. I am waiting on God.

I am patiently (well, sort of patiently) listening to Him, reminding myself that if I need to move, He will direct my steps. I sometimes forget how faithful He is to direct me. When I look around at where I am, I have no other explanation than God. When I look at myself as a little girl- remembering all the memories I have, and seeing who I was, I am amazed to say to that little girl "you will attend one of the best universities in the entire country." My ten-year-old heart cannot believe it- I would have told you that I did not believe in fairytales, that I could never ask my parents to pay such a large tuition. If you had thrown in the fact that I wouldn't be paying tuition, I would have laughed at you.

So sitting here in my room, thinking about all the pain I have been feeling alongside the miracle that I am even in this place to feel it, I can't give a straight answer about where I belong in this world. I can only say that for right now, I am here, and God is here with me, and that is enough for me. If someday He calls me to leave Baylor and go somewhere else, I will know that wherever that is, He will be there with me. I cannot say that everything here is hard right now; I have great classes with amazing professors and I am learning and growing so much this semester. My religion class especially, though it is challenging, is opening my heart to so many aspects of God. He is so endless and mighty; I am constantly in awe of the beauty I encounter. Through the negativity that our world revolves around, He is a wellspring of life and joy, and His grace is ever-present in the midst of trials.

I opened the letter a little while ago, and I want to share some of the quotes it has that have inspired me. I hope they inspire you, too. (:

"So go out and live real good and I promise you'll get beat up real bad. But, in a little while after you're dead, you'll be rotted away anyway. It's not gonna matter if you have a few scars. It will matter if you didn't live." -Rich Mullins

"In my deepest wound I saw your glory, and it dazzled me." -Augustine

"To worry about tomorrow is to forfeit your peace today." -Tony Evans

"Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be?" -Dale Partridge

"What God authors in your heart, he finishes in your life." -Brian Houston

"Futile, the winds, to a heart at port." -Emily Dickenson


That's all I have this time. Some honesty about my struggles and some inspiration for me and anyone else needing it. (:



-Thanks for reading! You can continue to follow my journey here. Prayers are always appreciated. Feel free to send me a prayer or some encouragement, too! Kelsey_Phipps@baylor.edu

 

"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, His generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Christ Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes." -Philippians 4:19-20

          

Prone to wonder... Prone to leave the God I love...

It's been almost an entire month since I updated! Wow- time has gone so fast. Recently, I have been busy with my first round of tests (which thankfully went well) and papers. I've also been busy trying to transition into a steady schedule here. On Mondays, I go to Jubilee Theatre, a community theatre that partners with Mission Waco, and help teach a theatre class to elementary/middle school students. They are going to perform Alice In Wonderland - I can't wait! They are all so excited and lively and fun to be around. (:

Since updating last, I've had the immense blessing of attending the annual freshman retreat and of getting to spend a weekend in Waco with my parents. Both weekends are memories I will keep and cherish for a long time.

God really moved in me during the retreat. It was unlike anything else I have experienced. At the very basis, just to spend a weekend away from all distractions, at a beautiful camp in the middle of nowhere, was so refreshing. We spent a lot of time in small groups and together in forms of worship very new to me. On Saturday, I was able to spend the afternoon painting (something I love to do!) with some other people. The peace of the entire trip was amazing. I wish it happened every weekend!

We had a morning worship service where we made boxes. On the boxes we wrote our names, names for Jesus that we liked, and sins we struggle with. We also drew a time in our life when we felt God most near, and a time when we could not feel Him. Then, we wrote a bible verse that meant a lot to us, and we stood and read them aloud wherever we were standing. To hear the room fill with the soft voices of other people repeating the word of God all at once was incredible. After finishing our boxes, we wrote a prayer consisting of anything that was on our heart to God and put it inside the box. Finally, we traded boxes with others in the room and prayed over their boxes, then wrote our initials on their box. This symbol that I have on my box of other people recognizing my heart and praying for it is a wonderful reminder of the support I have in my journey.

I felt so immensely blessed and close to my Saviour that weekend. It's a feeling I can't quite put into words. It reminds me of my favorite hymn, Come, Thou Fount. It's so beautiful and such a truthful description of my heart.

Come thou font of every blessing

Tune my heart to sing thy grace

Streams of mercy never ceasing

Call for songs of loudest praise

Teach me some melodious sonnet

Sung by flaming tongues above

Praise the mount I'm fixed upon it

Mount of thy redeeming love

Here I raise my Ebenezer

Hither by thy help I'm come

And I hope by thy good pleasure

Safely to arrive at home

Jesus sought me when a stranger

Wondering from the fold of God

He, to rescue me from danger

Interposed His precious blood

O to grace how how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be!

Let thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee

Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love

Here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above

 

I love that song so very much.

 

The following weekend, my parents visited for Family Weekend. I loved getting to have my mom and dad be on campus with me and being able to show them around Waco and make new memories with them! It's safe to say that I miss them more than anything and I don't know what I would have done if they couldn't have come that weekend. It was also a very peaceful, comforting time.

 

It's hard, sometimes, for me to be here. I am so tied to my roots and family that it can be a minute-by-minute process to survive here at Baylor. Especially these past few weeks, my heart has been aching for home and for familiarity. I have been lonely, discouraged, and upset about so many things. While I love being reminded of memories of my childhood and life at home, at the same time they crush me because that chapter of my life is over.

 

As long as I'm being honest, there are days that I'm driving on I-35 back to campus, and a large part of me is tempted to miss my exit and drive home right then (once I even did- but I took the next exit, and drove back to my dorm. That was one of the hardest things I've done). Sometimes I question my belonging here at Baylor, but as soon as I shut up long enough to let God say something, He takes hold of my heart and sends His peace. He shows me His love in so many languages and I feel it all around me, reassuring me that I am not alone here. One of my favorite songs is Smell The Color Nine by Chris Rice. "I can sniff, I can see, and I can count up pretty high, but these faculties aren't getting me any closer to the sky. But my heart of faith keeps pounding, so I know I'm doing fine... but sometimes finding You is just like trying to smell the color nine..." That is so true. I have never felt so close and so far away from God in such a short period of time. That's partly why I haven't blogged in the past month- it's been a real struggle to come up with anything when I felt so far away from God. Sometimes, however, it is therapeutic to just write about life, so that's what I'm doing. No facades, no sugar-coating, just honesty about my struggles and blessings.

 

My life right now may be a rollercoaster of events and emotions, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I am growing, changing, and experiencing far more than I ever have. I am beginning my life and searching the corners of my heart for the beauty that God has written on it. I am learning about this world and all that it needs, and all that I can do in it and for it. I am learning to be on my own and do things for myself-- even better, I am learning that I am CAPABLE of that. I can do this. In the past, I have been known to run from challenge and to embrace fear and play safely. Here, that is not an option, and my comfort zone has gone missing (if anyone finds it, let me know? kinda missin' it). I am experiencing serventhood and worship in incredibly real ways, and it is impacting me so deeply.

 

Yet again, a favorite song of mine is Smelling Coffee by Chris Rice. It's perfect to listen to when I wake up. "I'm smelling coffee, birds are singing just outside... Here comes Your mercy streaming in with the morning light! My heart is racing, waking up to Your smile, saying 'Good Morning!' I remember reading that Your the God who never sleeps; while I've been dreaming, You've been singing over me!" How can you not love that!? Chris Rice just gets me. Ha! (Thanks to my parents and Aunt DeAnn for my love for him!)

 

While I may miss my home and the memories I made during my childhood/adolescence, I have them in my heart forever and I can look at them and see all of the thousands of ways that God has blessed me beyond my deserving and comprehension. I can also look ahead to the future with confidence that His grace, love, and blessings will continue through my life. I am falling in love with my Saviour more than I ever thought possible, and my heart is so full.

 

Thanks for sticking out this long post that was basically just rambling about my life (:

Some people have asked about my address for care packages-- if you would like my address to send me letters, photos, packages, or whatever else you feel like putting through the mail... Just email me at the address below!! Receiving mail is one of my favorite things. Thank you in advance for your care and prayers.

Much love,

Kelsey

 

 

-Thanks for reading! You can continue to follow my journey here. Prayers are always appreciated. Feel free to send me a prayer or some encouragement, too! Kelsey_Phipps@baylor.edu

 

"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, His generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Christ Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes." -Philippians 4:19-20