"There is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper still."

Dearest daughter,

I know that you are struggling, and this is why you feel that I am not with you. You look around at your situation, and you let everything around you overwhelm you, so that you cannot see Me. The truth, darling, is that I am still here. I am as close as ever, sitting next to you in class, walking across campus with you, laughing alongside you as you enjoy a meal with friends. Can’t you see Me in these things? In being in college, at a university you told Me you would never be able to go to, or sitting around a table with good friends, people you told Me you would never find… And even if those things disappear, I am here, sweet girl, I am always here. There’s a song by Audio Adrenaline that talks about my devotion to you: “I’d leave 99, leave them all behind, to find you… for you alone,” so take heart, dear, because nothing can separate us.

 I know your biggest fear in this world is being unloved and forgotten; you are always so careful to be who you think others want you to be, because you fear that if you fail, they will say “I need space.” They will leave. They will ridicule you. You fear they will be laughing at you behind your back. I know you fear that people in your family will abandon you if you do not fit into their mold. I know you fear being removed from your extended family's love and consideration. Daughter, I know this has happened to you. I know this fear has been reality at some points. But this does not define you; it is not who you are. You are worthy of love. You are kind, gentle, joyful, intuitive, and brave. Your heart connects with the hurting and you would carry someone’s cross if it meant helping them. You think that smiling and laughing easily is a fault, but it’s how I made you. Your joy spreads to others; never be afraid to be joyful and to express your feelings. You have overcome many challenges, and you seek a deeper meaning than surface level in whatever you commit to. Those things bring wisdom.

Daughter, never be afraid to be yourself. There is nothing wrong with that. Stop thinking that everyone will hate you for being you. I created you, and My creation is beautiful, and it deserves to be treated as such. Treat yourself with the kindness and respect that you offer to others. Do not hide away for fear of judgment. I have brought you to where you are, and I would not bring you somewhere that would harm you. Trust Me, sweet girl. I’m so sorry this world has lied to you and left you feeling this way. I’m so sorry you feel vulnerable, unworthy, and forgotten. I need you now, though, to rise from that. I need you to be strong like I know you can be. I need you to speak up for yourself instead of shying away. Make your voice heard, because I have called you to a great plan, and I have made you a leader. I have made you for great things… Things you can’t even imagine. Do not forget that I finish what I start.

Overall, darling, remember that I am with you always, to the end of the age. I love you extravagantly, abundantly, and wholly. I see you, I know you, and I delight in you. You make me proud, joyful, and eager for what is to come. I am so amazed by the way you persevere and the way you love others. In your darkest moments—through every moment--I have been right beside you, holding you. We have laid on the bathroom floor while you cried, and we have danced around your room while you laughed and sang. I have felt your heart break, and it breaks Mine, too. I am working it back together again, but it just takes time, because you have so much to learn about Me and My love for you. I need you to trust Me enough to let go. I promise I will not leave you. I cannot promise you that bad things will never happen again, but I do promise you that I am right there through it all, that you are always held, always seen, and always loved.

I cherish you, daughter, I call you “friend.” I rejoice with your parents when they tell you that they love you, too. Even if it ends up that your parents are the only family who will embrace you, it is enough. I am enough. Do not fear that their love will leave you. I have created your family, I am working through them, and I love your parents just as I do you. I gave you to them because I know they will always love you. Do not hide away from them when you need them, because that is what family is for. We rejoice and we mourn together, and everything in between. Precious daughter, hold on- fear not. My love will never leave you. You could never do anything that would change the absolute joy I find in you. I know that you will make mistakes, sometimes bigger than what you can fix, and I know you have regrets. Lay them on me, all of your burdens, and let me take them. Let me make you new again. My grace is abounding, never running out, and I want to give it to you.

Find your beauty and worth in me, not in the world. It will never matter if you meet their expectations or not. Look to Me, seek My face, and stay focused on what I have for you. You can never disappoint Me, because I have seen your entire life before time began… And still I love you- extravagantly, abundantly, wholly. I am all things: mother and father, sister and brother, friend, counselor, king… My list goes on to cover the entire universe. I am everything you need.

Rest in My peace, grow in My grace, and abide in My love, dear.

-Abba

-Thanks for reading! You can continue to follow my journey here. Prayers are always appreciated. Feel free to send me a prayer or some encouragement, too! Kelsey_Phipps@baylor.edu

 

"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, His generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Christ Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes." -Philippians 4:19-20

Mark Schultz, C.S. Lewis, and I...

"Then she heard a gentle voice, like an echo from above... 'I have been there; I know what pain is all about. Yes, I have been there- and I'm standing with you now. Oh, I have been there, and I came to build the bridges of this road that will lead you home."

Fear, pain, and sorrow. Three things that Mark Schultz mentions in his song "I Have Been There," when referring to the things Jesus has experienced alongside these people.

There really isn't a whole lot for me to post today, but today was my day to update, so I wanted to stay on track.

Do you ever have those days where everything that could go wrong has gone wrong, all at once, and you just feel like there's nothing you want to do but lay in bed and forget that anything exists?

That's today. That's this week. So many blessings have been happening, and now the enemy comes in to try to steal them. I'm working on not letting that happen. God's peace is reality, not the trials I'm facing.

Originally, I had no interest in 50 Shades of Grey, just saw it as another sex movie that many women were using to create a "holier than thou" competition out of. But as I read more and more about it, I understood a deeper meaning than the sex in it. A lot of what I study and hope to do with my life is to be a voice to victims of abuse that the media DOES have an influence on what our society condones and supports, and have an impact on that. The "Like A Girl" campaign is a great example- they have begun to turn a negative, demeaning phrase into a positive, empowering slogan for women everywhere, of all ages and walks of life, to find a place within. 50 Shades works the other way. It takes sex and female empowerment and warps them into a very scary picture. The girl in the book does not consent to everything that happens, and the man is a controlling, manipulative, abusive man who is now hailed by women everywhere as the perfect man. "He's rich, powerful, in control..." Okay, so take away his money and good looks. Now is he still so perfect? No- most women would describe him as a creep. But I digress.

The point is that I am working hard towards my goal. I want to spend my life being a voice and being part of a movement that reshapes how the media portrays women, victims, and people in general. The media is the biggest influence on my generation. They tell us what to think, and for the most part, we say "okay!" and move along to the next thing. We are desensitized. Girls as young as age eight have eating disorders. Half of girls age eleven report being on a diet. Every woman can say that she's seen something in the media that made her feel seriously bad about herself. The same goes for men, too. Men are supposed to be emotionless, extremely physically strong, and are supposed to be in a constant top-dog battle. It's a web that we al become tangled in. I want to change that. The media only gets to say/do these things because it sells. They make money off of it. So imagine if they didn't- if we stood up and said, "hey! That's not true and it makes us feel bad so we aren't going to listen to it." They would have no choice eventually but to say, "okay, so what DO you want?" Because what THEY want is to make money. There is a problem, and there is a solution.

So even on a terrible day like today, I am working on my goals. I am remembering that God has me here for a reason, that I am valued and worthy and loved, and that I am not alone. I'm struggling, yes but I'm not giving up. I am pushing forward.

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." -C.S. Lewis



-Thanks for reading! You can continue to follow my journey here. Prayers are always appreciated. Feel free to send me a prayer or some encouragement, too! Kelsey_Phipps@baylor.edu

 

"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, His generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Christ Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes." -Philippians 4:19-20

Prodigal Daughter Returning

Whoa, what a title. I'm back! It's not as dramatic as it sounds, though. This daughter is not just returning to her blog, but to God's presence and plan. We'll get into that later. While it was not intentional that I haven't posted for 3 months, I have always tried to be purposeful in my posts. My "drafts" section is quite full at the moment. I have written things and then never felt led to post them. Nevertheless, it is always good to write down what you are thinking, so my drafts will remain, for now, a personal space for thoughts I need to work through.

I have never made a serious New Year's resolution. They seem pointless to me, for the most part. A new year comes around pretty often. So this month, I made my own version- a New Semester resolution. You only get to have your first year of college once. Last semester, even though I was adjusting to an entirely new life, I didn't have a stable goal. I was living in negativity, for the most part. I hated myself for moving to Texas and I thought the entire thing was a mistake. I was miserable. I had no friends, nothing to look forward to (except going home) and I was very depressed most of the time. I did the one thing that everyone told me not to do- I sat in my dorm, sometimes for a whole day or an entire weekend. I worried constantly about everything that could go wrong.

The reality of my situation is that I wanted everything to be different except me. I didn't want to change or adjust. I wanted things to simply happen how I thought they should in order to please me. It was a very long and hard semester. The first week that I was home for winter break, I woke up around midnight having a terrible panic attack. I was terrified. I sat in the living room with my dad and cried and begged him to let me stay home. I convinced myself that I didn't belong there. My dad was so patient with me. (I could- and probably should- make an entire post just about the incredible parents I have) We talked for a long time about who I am the way I handle things, and about Baylor, God, and life in general. I knew I couldn't just quit one semester through. Four months is hardly a fair chance to give such a big adventure.

I have come so far since I was a freshman in high school. That Kelsey would never have even left her hometown for college. She was afraid of everything. She thought that God didn't see her, and in her darkest days, feared that God had no plan for her. Those fears and thoughts rooted themselves and grew terrible beliefs. Her heart was bitter and cold, and she lived with so many walls around herself that eventually she forgot how she had even built them, and so remembering how to tear them down has been a very long, hard process.

Going into my second semester of freshman year, my resolution is to live in peace and trust God that my every step is guided by a good and perfect plan. I am choosing joy amidst a rollercoaster of emotions. When I am sitting in my room at night missing my home, I thank God for blessing me with such a wonderful home, filled with nice things and loving people, to miss. When I am seeing Facebook posts or reading texts about all the things my friends and family are doing, and I long to be back with them to part of it, I thank God for putting me in the middle of such a passionate, amazing group of people who have taken wonderful care of me and who I can always count on to nurture my soul. When I feel like I will fail, I remember that I am here at Baylor because God has brought me. I can trust that as long as I do what is put in front of me, I will not fail.

So far this semester, I have been accepted into a wonderful Christian sorority on campus. Kappa Chi Alpha is a sisterhood filled with girls who have beautiful hearts. Being around them makes me feel loved, cherished, and welcomed. I am finding a home in KXA.

It's good to be back!
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While I was writing this, I was listening to Pandora. It's amazing how God uses music in my life to speak to me. Here are a few lyrics from some of the songs that played. (:

"Holy is the Lord God, Almighty! The earth is FILLED with His glory!"
"If it's Your will, then nothing can shake me... We've got to be children of peace."
"He is jealous for me. He loves like a hurricane, and I am a tree: bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy. I realize just how beautiful You are, and how GREAT your affections are for me. Oh, how He loves us!"
"Jesus, He loves me. He loves me; He is for me. Oh, Jesus, how can it be? He LOVES me; He is for me."
"For all Your goodness, I will keep on singing; ten-thousand reasons for my heart to find."
"You make beautiful things out of dust. You make things new, and You are making me new."
"What could I say, and what could I do, but offer this heart- Oh, God- completely to You?"
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-Thanks for reading! You can continue to follow my journey here. Prayers are always appreciated. Feel free to send me a prayer or some encouragement, too! Kelsey_Phipps@baylor.edu

 

"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, His generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Christ Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes." -Philippians 4:19-20

 

Get Out of The Boat!

Happy Monday! I had to look at my phone to remember what day it is. Welcome Week at Baylor is serious, dusk-til-dawn business. Today is my sixth day on campus and already, I would like to say that anyone back home in Missouri who is complaining about the heat can just come visit me and see what real heat is. You know your fellow students are good people when they'll still get to know you and hang out with you even though you are drenched in sweat pretty much 24/7. I have a whole new love and appreciation for cold showers! (Which is good, because hot water is spotty.)

In all seriousness, this week has been an endurance test in so many ways. I said goodbye to my extended family on Monday, and on Monday night, I blew a tire on my car. Tuesday morning I packed up and said goodbye to my best friend, and Tuesday night, I remembered all the things that I forgot to pack. Wednesday was move-in, and it was a blur of excitement and nervousness and uncertainty. The plan was originally for my parents to stay on campus with me until around 9pm, but they ended up having to leave around 6:30 instead. The weekend was very busy trying to navigate campus and all the activities and still get some sleep. It will probably be a while before I can talk about what saying goodbye felt like. Not just with my parents and brother, but with my entire family and all of my friends. My heart is both full and broken. No one has family like I do, and the support I am receiving through daily texts/calls alone is incredible. No one has family like mine.

Sunday night we had a candlelight worship/prayer service for all of the freshman. It was one of the most beautiful, intimate, incredible experiences I have ever had. To stand in an auditorium with over 4,000 other students and sing my most favorite song (Oceans- Hillsong United) was just awesome. Then we listened to a sermon that really touched my heart- I have been struggling since arriving at Baylor with many small challenges that just keep adding up in my mind and heart and making me feel completely beat down.

He spoke about Jesus walking on water and calling Simon Peter to come and join him (Matthew 14:22-34). There is a group of people in the boat with Peter, and when they see Jesus coming, they're all scared that He's a ghost. When Jesus calls out to them, he tells them not to be afraid. The scene may look daunting, but Jesus is in the midst of it. Out of all the group, Peter is the only one who gets out of the boat. He quickly begins to sink, and Jesus again calls out to Peter to trust and obey Him. Only when Peter gives up control and puts his faith in Jesus is he able to walk out onto the water with Him- which is pretty uncommon and incredible. (I'm sure the boat group was impressed.)

"Immediately Jesus reached His hand out and caught him. "You of little faith," He said, "why did you doubt?" -Matthew 14:31

The story relates to life today because we all have a choice to make with Jesus. Sitting in a boat is fine- at least you are out on the water. That's no easy task in itself; it's dark, cold, and you're in the middle of a large body of water. The boat is small, though, and Jesus has called you out into the water. He also knows that as human, we're imperfect- He didn't leave Peter to drown when he struggled on the water, and He doesn't leave us, either. He knows that our faith will falter, and when it does, He is there to lift us back up into Him, to call out our Faith and renew our strength. Walking out onto the water with Jesus is where we find true life- it is not easy or simple, but we do not have to fear failure when we put our faith in Jesus. His good and perfect plan prevails, and sometimes, the mistakes we make are even part of that plan. One thing we can always be sure of is that His plan is the most incredible path that our lives could ever take. Incredible joy, love, peace, and wisdom is found in every crevice of His work.

Realizing these things has made all the difference in my mindset about Baylor. It hasn't been a complete transformation, for example: I had a rather traumatic Target experience today that included getting lost, over-spending, and tearing a chunk of skin out of my foot, and I ended up calling my mom crying about how I didn't think I was ready to do this on my own. I felt so small and incapable, and at the same time, so very far away from my home and family. That was not a good mix. After some encouragement from my mom (and some jokes from my dad, who always seems to find humor in my dramatic teenage moments) I found some peace and solace in the love of my parents and Jesus, who reminded me that my clumsy transition into adulthood is, in fact, NOT the end of the world. Funny how He knows that, and I forget so often. (: I will never be perfect in my faith, because I am human, but I am continually learning how to keep my faith at the forefront of my mind, ready to be called into action when trouble arises.

"He replied, 'Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.'" -Matthew 17:20

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." -Hebrews 11:1

What a wonderful, passionate God we serve, who's love for His children is so intimate and extravagant. I can feel Him all around me, holding me together and guiding me in His will as my journey at Baylor begins. What an incomparable blessing!




-Thanks for reading! You can continue to follow my journey here. Prayers are always appreciated. Feel free to send me a prayer or some encouragement, too! Kelsey_Phipps@baylor.edu

"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, His generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Christ Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes." -Philippians 4:19-20