Precious Sons...

My precious son [your name here],

I know that you are struggling, and this is why you feel that I am not with you. You look around at your situation, and you let everything around you overwhelm you, so that you cannot see Me. The truth, though, is that I am still here. I am as close as ever, sitting next to you in class and at work, riding in your car, enjoying good times with your friends, and pursuing daily goals. Even if those things disappear, I am here, precious son, I am always here. There’s a song by Audio Adrenaline that talks about my devotion to you: “I’d leave 99, leave them all behind, to find you… for you alone,” so take heart, because nothing can separate us.

I know that sometimes your fears far outweigh your peace. You fear failure, rejection, and a long list of other possibilities. Son, I know that you have experienced pain. I know that some of your fears have become reality at different points. But this does not define you; it is not who you are. You are worthy of love. You are kind, gentle, joyful, intuitive, and brave. You sometimes think that smiling and laughing easily is a fault, that it makes you look silly or odd, but it’s how I made you. Your joy spreads to others; never be afraid to be joyful and to express your feelings. You have overcome many challenges, and you seek a deeper meaning than surface level in whatever you commit to. Those things bring wisdom.

Son, never be afraid to be fully yourself and fully human. There is nothing wrong with that. Stop thinking that everyone will hate you for being you. Do not turn off part of yourself because it is not "manly." I created you, and My creation is beautiful, and it deserves to be treated as such. Treat yourself with the kindness and respect that you offer to others. Do not hide away for fear of judgment. I did not create you simply for physical appearance- My plans are much more extravagant than that. I have brought you to where you are, and I would not bring you somewhere that would harm you. Trust Me, dearest son. I’m so sorry this world has lied to you and left you feeling this way. I’m so sorry you feel vulnerable, unworthy, and forgotten. I need you now, though, to rise from that. I need you to be strong like I know you can be. I need you to speak up for yourself instead of shying away. Make your voice heard, because I have called you to a great plan, and I have made you a leader. I have made you for great things… Things you can’t even imagine. Do not forget that I finish what I start.

Overall, remember that I am with you always, to the end of the age. I love you extravagantly, abundantly, and wholly. I see you, I know you, and I delight in you. You make me proud, joyful, and eager for what is to come. I am so amazed by the way you persevere and the way you love others. In your darkest moments—through every moment--I have been right beside you, holding you. We have sat silently on your bed while you unsuccessfully willed tears away, and we have boasted laughter and excitement when you succeed. I have felt your heart break, and it breaks Mine, too. I am working it back together again, but it just takes time, because you have so much to learn about Me and My love for you. I need you to trust Me enough to let go. I promise I will not leave you. I cannot promise you that bad things will never happen again, but I do promise you that I am right there through it all, that you are always held, always seen, and always loved.

I cherish you, son, I call you “friend.” I delight in you. Dearest son, hold on- fear not. My love will never leave you. You could never do anything that would change the absolute joy I find in you. I know that you will make mistakes, sometimes bigger than what you can fix, and I know you have regrets. Lay them on me, all of your burdens, and let me take them. Let me make you new again. My grace is abounding, never running out, and I want to give it to you.

 

Find your success and worth in me, not in the world. It will never matter if you meet their expectations or not. Look to Me, seek My face, and stay focused on what I have for you. You can never disappoint Me, because I have seen your entire life before time began… And still I love you- extravagantly, abundantly, wholly. I am all things: mother and father, sister and brother, friend, counselor, king… My list goes on to cover the entire universe. I am everything you need.

Love, Abba

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Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope it has spoken to your heart, and that you feel the overwhelming love of Jesus all around you. Please save a copy of this letter, with your name inserted wherever you'd like, and keep it to read when you need to. Let these words speak truth over your life and your heart. You are wonderful. I would love to know how this letter has impacted you. You can leave a comment or contact me via Facebook or email.

I want to leave you with this playlist that I think goes nicely with this letter.

1. Leaving 99- Audio Adrenaline
2. You're not Alone- Meredith Andrews
3. You are For Me- Kari Jobe
4. Hold Me Jesus- Rich Mullins
5. How He Loves- David Crowder
6. Come As You Are- Crowder
7. Let It Be Jesus- Chris Tomlin
8. Jesus Loves Me- Christ Tomlin
9. Holy Spirit- Francesca Battistelli
10. Shoulders- For King & Country
11. Strong Enough- Stacie Orrico

-Thanks for reading! You can continue to follow my journey here. Prayers are always appreciated. Feel free to send me a prayer or some encouragement, too! Kelsey_Phipps@baylor.edu

 

 

"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, His generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Christ Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes." -Philippians 4:19-20

"There is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper still."

Dearest daughter,

I know that you are struggling, and this is why you feel that I am not with you. You look around at your situation, and you let everything around you overwhelm you, so that you cannot see Me. The truth, darling, is that I am still here. I am as close as ever, sitting next to you in class, walking across campus with you, laughing alongside you as you enjoy a meal with friends. Can’t you see Me in these things? In being in college, at a university you told Me you would never be able to go to, or sitting around a table with good friends, people you told Me you would never find… And even if those things disappear, I am here, sweet girl, I am always here. There’s a song by Audio Adrenaline that talks about my devotion to you: “I’d leave 99, leave them all behind, to find you… for you alone,” so take heart, dear, because nothing can separate us.

 I know your biggest fear in this world is being unloved and forgotten; you are always so careful to be who you think others want you to be, because you fear that if you fail, they will say “I need space.” They will leave. They will ridicule you. You fear they will be laughing at you behind your back. I know you fear that people in your family will abandon you if you do not fit into their mold. I know you fear being removed from your extended family's love and consideration. Daughter, I know this has happened to you. I know this fear has been reality at some points. But this does not define you; it is not who you are. You are worthy of love. You are kind, gentle, joyful, intuitive, and brave. Your heart connects with the hurting and you would carry someone’s cross if it meant helping them. You think that smiling and laughing easily is a fault, but it’s how I made you. Your joy spreads to others; never be afraid to be joyful and to express your feelings. You have overcome many challenges, and you seek a deeper meaning than surface level in whatever you commit to. Those things bring wisdom.

Daughter, never be afraid to be yourself. There is nothing wrong with that. Stop thinking that everyone will hate you for being you. I created you, and My creation is beautiful, and it deserves to be treated as such. Treat yourself with the kindness and respect that you offer to others. Do not hide away for fear of judgment. I have brought you to where you are, and I would not bring you somewhere that would harm you. Trust Me, sweet girl. I’m so sorry this world has lied to you and left you feeling this way. I’m so sorry you feel vulnerable, unworthy, and forgotten. I need you now, though, to rise from that. I need you to be strong like I know you can be. I need you to speak up for yourself instead of shying away. Make your voice heard, because I have called you to a great plan, and I have made you a leader. I have made you for great things… Things you can’t even imagine. Do not forget that I finish what I start.

Overall, darling, remember that I am with you always, to the end of the age. I love you extravagantly, abundantly, and wholly. I see you, I know you, and I delight in you. You make me proud, joyful, and eager for what is to come. I am so amazed by the way you persevere and the way you love others. In your darkest moments—through every moment--I have been right beside you, holding you. We have laid on the bathroom floor while you cried, and we have danced around your room while you laughed and sang. I have felt your heart break, and it breaks Mine, too. I am working it back together again, but it just takes time, because you have so much to learn about Me and My love for you. I need you to trust Me enough to let go. I promise I will not leave you. I cannot promise you that bad things will never happen again, but I do promise you that I am right there through it all, that you are always held, always seen, and always loved.

I cherish you, daughter, I call you “friend.” I rejoice with your parents when they tell you that they love you, too. Even if it ends up that your parents are the only family who will embrace you, it is enough. I am enough. Do not fear that their love will leave you. I have created your family, I am working through them, and I love your parents just as I do you. I gave you to them because I know they will always love you. Do not hide away from them when you need them, because that is what family is for. We rejoice and we mourn together, and everything in between. Precious daughter, hold on- fear not. My love will never leave you. You could never do anything that would change the absolute joy I find in you. I know that you will make mistakes, sometimes bigger than what you can fix, and I know you have regrets. Lay them on me, all of your burdens, and let me take them. Let me make you new again. My grace is abounding, never running out, and I want to give it to you.

Find your beauty and worth in me, not in the world. It will never matter if you meet their expectations or not. Look to Me, seek My face, and stay focused on what I have for you. You can never disappoint Me, because I have seen your entire life before time began… And still I love you- extravagantly, abundantly, wholly. I am all things: mother and father, sister and brother, friend, counselor, king… My list goes on to cover the entire universe. I am everything you need.

Rest in My peace, grow in My grace, and abide in My love, dear.

-Abba

-Thanks for reading! You can continue to follow my journey here. Prayers are always appreciated. Feel free to send me a prayer or some encouragement, too! Kelsey_Phipps@baylor.edu

 

"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, His generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Christ Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes." -Philippians 4:19-20

"I don't have time to maintain these regrets..."

Hello again! I've been working on several different posts recently, but I think this will be the one to make the cut. (:

FIRST- I'm going to shamelessly plug my sweet, caring, adorable baby brother's new blog.... Okay, so he's 17 and not so much a baby, but he'll always be six years old to me. It's just the way it is. He's certainly not going to be a senior in high school this year.

If you want to read some seriously fantastic stuff about human imperfection, God's love, being adventurous, and laugh along the way, check out his blog! (don't ask me why it has the name it does)

http://www.jonahsblogispoopoo.blogspot.com

Thanks!

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I can't believe it is already April. Looking back on my freshman year of college, it has absolutely flown by. I feel like October just happened, but here we are, just a few weeks away from May and the end of the school year. As finals approach and I have begun to attempt to make sense of how I will pack everything in my dorm into boxes to move out, there are a lot of thoughts and feelings I'm working through about my expectations for freshman year versus the reality I experienced.

I have so much more to learn in my time here. This year, simply adapting to the environment was a huge task. Professors ask entirely different things from students; I haven't had many classes match up in terms of how the professor conducted class and assigned tasks.

In all honesty, I have not been the shining star I expected myself to be this year. Nothing can really prepare you for the way college works. Sure, you can be prepared for the work load, and maybe even some of the material itself. It is quite impossible, however, to prepare for the independence beforehand. The key to surviving independence in college is to stay on top of it. Doing things you don't like is not fun, and in college, no one is there to make you do those things. Wasting time is effortless; being productive takes discipline and practice. You will not be perfect at it. You will fail multiple times, especially at first, but you have to remember to stay on top of it. When you fall off, get back on.

I wish I could go back in time and tell myself these things. I have an annoying tendency to mix my independent nature with my perfectionist personality. Those are very dangerous for me when mixed; I found myself wanting to succeed in college all on my own, and eventually, almost completely giving up when I realized I couldn't do that. Last semester, I worked extremely hard to battle and overcome depression, anxiety, fear, and homesickness. Basically, I was a hot mess, and it took a lot of time and reminders that God is better at control than I am (shocker...) to find peace and assurance that I was going to be okay in college. Coming back for second semester, God did this great thing where I rushed this one sorority and they, like, asked me to be a member. It was pretty cool, and y'know, I love them a lot and stuff. (: I found a home in KXA and some amazing, wonderful friends who care for me and make life way more fun.

Although this semester has been great as far as finding my place with friends, academics are another story. I got stuck with a lot of classes I was less-than-enthused about, and instead of making a decision to work through it and make the best of things, I closed myself off and convinced myself I could do the bear minimum and still make it through the semester. After all, what I thought really mattered was that I had people to hang out with, and I was having fun. Eventually, the minimum turned into struggling to keep up, and worrying about being able to complete the class at all, and somehow, I ended up sitting in the parking lot of a mall tonight, crying hysterically, terrified to pick up the phone and call my dad to tell him that I might be a complete failure.

I felt so broken, so stupid, and so beyond reach. In that moment, I questioned whether I had permanently screwed up God's plan for me. I felt miserable; "I'm so sorry," I kept saying, over and over again. "I'm so sorry, so sorry... How could I have done this? This is not who I am..." and when I thought about the dreams my parents have for me, about all the times they tell me how proud they are, "I'm so sorry, so sorry, so sorry... How could I do this to you? You'll be so disappointed..." I finally gathered enough courage to text my dad and ask him to call me. Unfortunately, he was busy at the moment, and so another 30 minutes passed while I drove around Waco, my courage fading quickly. When my phone finally rang, I considered not even answering it. What was the point? I had done something so wrong, there was nothing my dad could do for me. It would only disappoint him to hear me admit that I had made a terrible decision and was now struggling in my classes. Talking to my dad, he (of course) did have help for me. There was no judgment in his voice, only love and wisdom. I don't have words for how lucky I am to have that kind of love in my life. I know for sure I don't deserve it.

In my moments of unbelief, of doubting the strength and love of my Jesus, I was still not alone. I was not forgotten, not abandoned, not beyond reach. I had not wandered out of sight or strayed so far that I was on my own. My struggles were not unseen, either, not overlooked. No matter how trivial they are in the grand scheme, they were counted, spoken for, and I am not held by them. They do not define me. Writing this now, a Gungor song is playing on Pandora, singing "You still have me. You have my heart completely. You have me, you have me..." That is so relevant- even though I felt like I was beyond reach of Jesus, He still has my heart. He still loves me beyond compare, beyond description and imagination... Beyond this world. He hold the entirety of my heart and soul, and He is moving within me.

Another one of my favorite songs right now is "I Am Not Alone" by Kari Jobe. "You will go before me, You will never leave me... In the midst of deep sorrow, I see Your light is breaking through. The dark of night will not overtake me, I am pressing into You. Lord you fight my every battle, and I will not fear. You amaze me, redeem me, You call me as your own. You have always been faithful. You bring healing to my soul." I love hearing this truth spoken over me. There is nothing I can do to separate myself from this love.

The clearest moment of Jesus reassuring me, though, came before I even felt broken. Last Wednesday, David Crowder came to Baylor to perform. I have loved Crowder for as long as I can remember; it was so awesome to be able to see him live! Although I found myself distracted frequently throughout his set by my schedule for the day, there was a moment during his song "How He Loves" that I distinctly felt God's presence urging me into worship. The lyrics said "We are His portion, and He is our prize... Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes. I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way [He loves us]..."

I am so glad I held on to those words for tonight. I don't have time to dwell on the mistakes I've made when I know that they have been forgiven and I do not proceed without hope. There is nothing more powerful than my Jesus, so why should I not believe that His good and perfect plan is still at work in my life? I did not do my best this semester, I did not make the right choice in my classes, but my life is not over. This is only the beginning. I have not ruined myself and all of my chances. He gives more grace than I could ever count.

So, maybe there is a part of your life right now where you are feeling broken, worn down, or beyond reach. It feels like there is no way you could bounce back... Do not believe that. Trust that God knows you are imperfect, you are flawed, and you are going to struggle at times. Trust that God's plan includes those times. There's no surprising God; you were known before you were conceived. Simply accept the grace that is offered to you and let healing begin to restore your brokenness. You are created for so much more than you know.

As most of you know, I volunteer with a Waco-based organization called Jesus Said Love. It has transformed my life and awakened a calling from God within me. Brett and Emily Mills, the founders and Co-CEOs of Jesus Said Love, visited Baylor's chapel recently, and Brett said "God has such a big plan for your life... So big it would blow your mind to hear all of it now... So be patient and receive the pieces God gives you along the way." I have a deep love and respect for Brett and Emily, and hearing such a big role model in my life speak that truth over me was incredible. So now, I pass it on to you. You are not alone, He still has your heart, you don't have time to focus only on regret... God has a huge plan for you.

"No longer am I held by the yoke of this world; come abound in the yoke of Jesus... His yoke is easy, and His burden is so light."



-Thanks for reading! You can continue to follow my journey here. Prayers are always appreciated. Feel free to send me a prayer or some encouragement, too! Kelsey_Phipps@baylor.edu

 

"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, His generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Christ Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes." -Philippians 4:19-20

One year later.

March 20, 2014. The beginning of my last spring break of high school.

On this day, my family and I packed our bags and began a journey down to Waco, Texas. I had been accepted to Baylor University, with a sizeable scholarship, and my parents insisted that I visit before I throw out the option of attending. As we left that day, my heart was hard and my mind was made up- I hated Baylor. I hated Texas. I hated college. I did not want anything to do with any of them, but rather, wanted to enjoy my senior year stress-free, and continue to live at home and attend a community college in the fall.

The drive down was relatively smooth. We didn't even talk about Baylor very much. We had secured a spot in a campus tour thanks to my dad, who had called and used his impeccable people skills to persuade them to open a few extra spots on the "sold-out" tours. I was nervous the entire night before the tour, my head wrestling with my heart, but neither allowing God to speak to them.

I used to be someone who's life was ruled by fear. I was constantly afraid of something bad happening. I couldn't take any chances because someone might see, someone might laugh, or I might fail or be uncomfortable. I hid in the background instead of having any fun. I lived in constant fear of judgment and teasing by my peers. If I knew I had to interact with them, I would lie awake all night stressing about it. Many of my friendships were formed around people who only furthered my fear; we were friends because I allowed them to use and manipulate me. I was afraid that if I didn't, I would have no friends. I did have some friends who weren't like this, and they were wonderful friends to me. They encouraged me to push forward and be strong, and though I didn't listen to them in high school, they should know that I am remembering their advice every day now.

I used to be someone who's life was ruled by doubt. Especially as a little girl, I remember feeling like God did not see me. I often thought about my future and assumed I would always live in the small town I grew up in, graduate high school, get married, and raise children. That was the most I ever saw for my future; some days, I didn't even see that much happening. When we moved away from the small town, and I changed schools, my doubts increased. I began to doubt that God saw anyone in my family. I doubted that there was any worth of value within me. I saw myself as ugly, stupid, and worthless, and that's how I let people treat me. I spent junior high eating lunch in a classroom or the bathroom. I would cry myself to sleep every night. I thought that I was beyond all hope of ever being anything besides worthless.

I used to be someone who's life was ruled by shame. I have always had an extremely guilty conscience. As a little girl, when I saw others doing something wrong, or had done it myself, I would make myself sick over how bad it was. I was often the "tattle-tale" because I couldn't stand the guilt and shame of knowing that a wrong had been done. I also struggled with the idea of forgiveness and peace. My family attended a church for a few years when I was in elementary school that liked to teach children that they were very bad, and would always be very bad, and should feel ashamed for how bad they were in the sight of God. Many of their puppet skits included children being punished by their parents, and they would say "this is God punishing you because you have made God very, very mad." One particular morning, my Sunday school teacher told me that my entire family was bad and had made God angry because we had skipped church the previous week. She also told me that she knew that when I worshiped God, I was faking it, and that I would be sent to hell if I did not correct my behavior. These words rooted themselves in my heart, and took a very long time to dig out. I constantly felt the weight of every sin I was guilty of. I did not see how God could ever wholly forgive me. It became easy to sin because I believed that it was already too late for me to be forgiven.

Overall, I used to be someone who's life was simply not ruled by God. All of my years of fear, doubt and shame piled on top of me until I could no longer bear the burden. Walking across Baylor's campus for the first time, I felt every bit of that weight crushing me, pulling me down, holding me back. It had swallowed me whole, and I was unrecognizable to even myself. However, despite my fear, despite my doubt, and despite my shame, God took hold of me that day and began to pull the burdens away from me. At first, I clung to them, terrified of what it would look like to live without them. As miserable as they were, they had become my comfort zone, and part of me did not want to heal. Thankfully, God did not care that I was afraid. There was nothing new about that. It had to be obvious that this would be a hard task, because I was deeply rooted in the very things that separate humanity from God.

During the summer after graduation and throughout my first semester at Baylor, God continued to wrestle with me, fighting me to surrender control and allow healing to begin. I fought with everything I had, and became angry that I was struggling so much. Finally, though, I could not struggle anymore. I had reached the bottom, and there was nowhere else to run. I had to surrender, and give up my control, and allow God to strip me of everything I thought I needed to survive.

God has been so good to heal me, to bring me peace and courage during this time, and to take away my fear, doubt, and shame so completely that trying to return to them feels unnatural and awkward. As I walked across campus to class this morning, March 20, 2015, I am an entirely different girl than the one who walked this same path just one year ago. I am free from the burdens that weighed me down and stole my life from me. I can live in courage, confidence, and peace knowing that I am cherished, loved, and redeemed.




-Thanks for reading! You can continue to follow my journey here. Prayers are always appreciated. Feel free to send me a prayer or some encouragement, too! Kelsey_Phipps@baylor.edu

 

"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, His generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Christ Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes." -Philippians 4:19-20