One year later.

March 20, 2014. The beginning of my last spring break of high school.

On this day, my family and I packed our bags and began a journey down to Waco, Texas. I had been accepted to Baylor University, with a sizeable scholarship, and my parents insisted that I visit before I throw out the option of attending. As we left that day, my heart was hard and my mind was made up- I hated Baylor. I hated Texas. I hated college. I did not want anything to do with any of them, but rather, wanted to enjoy my senior year stress-free, and continue to live at home and attend a community college in the fall.

The drive down was relatively smooth. We didn't even talk about Baylor very much. We had secured a spot in a campus tour thanks to my dad, who had called and used his impeccable people skills to persuade them to open a few extra spots on the "sold-out" tours. I was nervous the entire night before the tour, my head wrestling with my heart, but neither allowing God to speak to them.

I used to be someone who's life was ruled by fear. I was constantly afraid of something bad happening. I couldn't take any chances because someone might see, someone might laugh, or I might fail or be uncomfortable. I hid in the background instead of having any fun. I lived in constant fear of judgment and teasing by my peers. If I knew I had to interact with them, I would lie awake all night stressing about it. Many of my friendships were formed around people who only furthered my fear; we were friends because I allowed them to use and manipulate me. I was afraid that if I didn't, I would have no friends. I did have some friends who weren't like this, and they were wonderful friends to me. They encouraged me to push forward and be strong, and though I didn't listen to them in high school, they should know that I am remembering their advice every day now.

I used to be someone who's life was ruled by doubt. Especially as a little girl, I remember feeling like God did not see me. I often thought about my future and assumed I would always live in the small town I grew up in, graduate high school, get married, and raise children. That was the most I ever saw for my future; some days, I didn't even see that much happening. When we moved away from the small town, and I changed schools, my doubts increased. I began to doubt that God saw anyone in my family. I doubted that there was any worth of value within me. I saw myself as ugly, stupid, and worthless, and that's how I let people treat me. I spent junior high eating lunch in a classroom or the bathroom. I would cry myself to sleep every night. I thought that I was beyond all hope of ever being anything besides worthless.

I used to be someone who's life was ruled by shame. I have always had an extremely guilty conscience. As a little girl, when I saw others doing something wrong, or had done it myself, I would make myself sick over how bad it was. I was often the "tattle-tale" because I couldn't stand the guilt and shame of knowing that a wrong had been done. I also struggled with the idea of forgiveness and peace. My family attended a church for a few years when I was in elementary school that liked to teach children that they were very bad, and would always be very bad, and should feel ashamed for how bad they were in the sight of God. Many of their puppet skits included children being punished by their parents, and they would say "this is God punishing you because you have made God very, very mad." One particular morning, my Sunday school teacher told me that my entire family was bad and had made God angry because we had skipped church the previous week. She also told me that she knew that when I worshiped God, I was faking it, and that I would be sent to hell if I did not correct my behavior. These words rooted themselves in my heart, and took a very long time to dig out. I constantly felt the weight of every sin I was guilty of. I did not see how God could ever wholly forgive me. It became easy to sin because I believed that it was already too late for me to be forgiven.

Overall, I used to be someone who's life was simply not ruled by God. All of my years of fear, doubt and shame piled on top of me until I could no longer bear the burden. Walking across Baylor's campus for the first time, I felt every bit of that weight crushing me, pulling me down, holding me back. It had swallowed me whole, and I was unrecognizable to even myself. However, despite my fear, despite my doubt, and despite my shame, God took hold of me that day and began to pull the burdens away from me. At first, I clung to them, terrified of what it would look like to live without them. As miserable as they were, they had become my comfort zone, and part of me did not want to heal. Thankfully, God did not care that I was afraid. There was nothing new about that. It had to be obvious that this would be a hard task, because I was deeply rooted in the very things that separate humanity from God.

During the summer after graduation and throughout my first semester at Baylor, God continued to wrestle with me, fighting me to surrender control and allow healing to begin. I fought with everything I had, and became angry that I was struggling so much. Finally, though, I could not struggle anymore. I had reached the bottom, and there was nowhere else to run. I had to surrender, and give up my control, and allow God to strip me of everything I thought I needed to survive.

God has been so good to heal me, to bring me peace and courage during this time, and to take away my fear, doubt, and shame so completely that trying to return to them feels unnatural and awkward. As I walked across campus to class this morning, March 20, 2015, I am an entirely different girl than the one who walked this same path just one year ago. I am free from the burdens that weighed me down and stole my life from me. I can live in courage, confidence, and peace knowing that I am cherished, loved, and redeemed.




-Thanks for reading! You can continue to follow my journey here. Prayers are always appreciated. Feel free to send me a prayer or some encouragement, too! Kelsey_Phipps@baylor.edu

 

"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, His generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Christ Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes." -Philippians 4:19-20

If I had the chance to start over.

Dear Kelsey, five years old,
Make as many memories as possible in the big blue house on Truman St. This is where you grow up. Please, for the love of all things holy, keep your room clean (well, not all the time. It's fun to spend the day with Grandma Patty cleaning). Love your little brother, and when he treats you badly, walk away and remember that he is the only little brother you have, and that he is a truly wonderful person who will always be so important in your life. Listen to Mom and Dad. Try your best in school, because homeschooling is preparing you for so many incredible things you can't even imagine. Pay attention to things. Listen to Mom and Dad talk and soak it all up. I know that times are so hard during these years, with no money and a lot of sadness, but instead of sitting in your room wondering if God exists, open your eyes, because He is sitting next to you, holding you and carrying you through so many heartbreaks that your little heart shouldn't have had to endure. Trust me- I know. I look back now, and I see very clearly that He was right there speaking to you. Love your daddy with all of your heart. He works harder than anyone you will ever know, and it's all for you. His heart holds so much love, wisdom, and grace. He is full of life and he has overcome mountains taller than real-life ones. Tell him you love him, because I know there are times when it doesn't look like it. Love your momma with all of your heart, too. Tell her every day that you are so thankful for her, because she could be out living her own life, but she's spending her days at home with you, teaching you and shaping you into something beautiful. I know, I know- things get really bad. When you have to leave the big blue house and move into the tiny, dirty trailer, don't look down on your family. Be grateful for the home God has provided you with, and use the small space to be even closer to your family. Your momma makes that house a home. It looks beautiful for what it is. Cherish the work they put into it. Do not sit in your room and think that the only thing God has for you is to live in this town and be married. Dream BIG, sister. I would tell you how things are turning out now, but you would never believe me. He counts the stars and knows them by name; you are not forgotten, not even a little bit. Lastly, make the most of living in the same town as Grandma Patty and Grandpa Earl. Ask Mom to go see them as much as possible. Ask Grandpa to tell you every story he can think of. Just sit in the presence of your family and know that you are so blessed beyond measure.
Learn these things now, so you don't have to later on.


Dear Kelsey, thirteen years old,
New schools suck. That's the absolute truth, and I'm sorry I can't give you anything better than that. But schools aren't new forever. Make a home where you are. Popularity literally does not exist. Everyone is human. People group themselves according to personalities/interests. No group is better than another. Embrace humanity. The apartment is smaller than some of your classrooms, but you are now next door to Papa and Lowie, and they are just too amazing. It's so much fun to see your grandma every day. Yes, she gets better. Don't sit in the bathroom and cry, but instead pray for her for strength and peace. She is so strong, and nothing can keep her down. She's still one of the most influential and important people in your life. Listen, things aren't easy right now. And you don't know the whole story, but that's okay. When you do know, you will be thankful for a God who kept you separate from what the devil was trying to do to your family. Sharing a bedroom with your brother is just not fun. But at night, when you can't sleep, pray for him. If you think you are having a rough time, imagine him-- the same situation, but two years younger. He has a heart that is hurting and he needs you to be there to lead him. Mom is in college, and you hate it now, but holy crap, Kels- watch her. She is blossoming. She is shining so brightly and that is something to be proud of. No, she can't be there for you all the time anymore, but she is a human, too, and she deserves to be happy. She's so incredible. YES, you DO want to be JUST LIKE HER! She never quits. She's your best friend. Someday, you'll want to spend every day with her, and you'll tell her everything. Your dad is taking any job he can, and things are stressful because there's no money, but don't get mad when he can't give you what you want. Respect him for the work he's putting in 24/7. He's working through some things in his own heart, and they are so important. He is learning to value himself. You love Dad more than anything. Someday, you'll call him every single night just to hear him talk. Mom and Dad Do make it through everything. They are an unbreakable force, and the devil just can't win against the power God has placed in their marriage. Once again, just like always: you are not alone. God sees you, God loves you, and God is right in the middle of your world, making all things new. Love yourself, girl. Do not think about ending your life. Do not listen to anyone who tells you that you are not enough. Do not stand in the mirror and hate what you see. God created you! You are BEAUTIFUL! Please love yourself. Please. Push down the walls and let people in. Trust God. You still wouldn't believe me if I told you about life after high school.


Dear Kelsey, sixteen years old,
No, this isn't life. This is God showing you that you are strong enough to make it. This is God trying to open your heart to Him so that you can enter true life. I promise that you cannot do it alone. Stop trying altogether and just listen to His voice. You meet your best friend this year. Hug her even when she doesn't want you to. That girl is a freakin' miracle for you, and she needs to be loved. She's gonna shine, someday, and God is speaking through you into her life. She'll tell you that someday... You'll cry. A lot. It's awesome. Don't listen to the teachers and coaches who are telling you that you're failing. They'll tell you until the day you graduate, and even after when you visit home from college. It's funny, though, how wrong they are. I can't believe that you STILL wouldn't believe me if I told you about life in just three years. Ha! Hold on, girl. It gets so much better. Listen. To. Mom. And. Dad. DO NOT be quick to anger. I know that you think you are so grown up and life is not fair because they treat you like a child, but someday, you will miss that. You will want your momma to take care of you. You will want your dad to walk in your room when he gets home from work and say hi. I know you love your brother, and I know that you spend countless hours defending him and praying for him.... But he doesn't. Involve him in that. Be proactive in forming a relationship with him. He's getting ready to shine, too. It's amazing! He still needs his big sister. Be the bigger person and love him more. Don't spend too much time away from family. I know they're crazy, but someday, they will be all you can talk about. You'll bring them up in conversation constantly. People will outright tell you "you must have a really close family!" and yes you do, so be proud now. Love yourself. Now, more than ever. See the value that God has placed in you and don't give anyone the authority to take it away. Not peers, bosses, friends, teachers, or coworkers. SHINE and GROW where you are planted. There is literally no limit to what you can do.

Dear Kelsey, eighteen years old,
I told you that you wouldn't believe me!!!!!! Stop right now. Commit to never living in fear again. Commit to trusting God with all of your heart, before you even pack one thing. When you leave for college, make sure your heart is ready. Fill it with God and family and be consistent to listen. "Be still and know that I am God." Do not, do not, do not sit around in your room. Everyone is telling you that, I know- so listen!!!! It's literally that easy. You have nothing to lose when the steps you take are led by God. It's not easy. It's the hardest thing yet. But do not make yourself sick over missing home. No one is forgetting you or leaving you behind. They will drive three hours to meet you at the airport and hug you and cry. They will cry every time you leave. They will pray for you every day. You are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses who are cheering for you. Don't take that the wrong way- they aren't watching for you to fail. If you fail, they are there to help you up. It's amazing. It's overwhelming. It's glorious. It is the kingdom of God in action. Congratulations on your achievements! I hope now that you believe that there is literally nothing limiting you. Go for it, whatever it is. It either happens, or God has something else. Either way, you win. You have the very best parents and sibling and entire family. You can do this. You have been through the hard times we already talked about, and you now know that God was there the whole time, and you never really fell. Believe that that truth has not and will not ever change. Love yourself.

Sincerely,
You, age nineteen and catching up on a lot.



-Thanks for reading! You can continue to follow my journey here. Prayers are always appreciated. Feel free to send me a prayer or some encouragement, too! Kelsey_Phipps@baylor.edu

 

"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, His generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Christ Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes." -Philippians 4:19-20

Prodigal Daughter Returning

Whoa, what a title. I'm back! It's not as dramatic as it sounds, though. This daughter is not just returning to her blog, but to God's presence and plan. We'll get into that later. While it was not intentional that I haven't posted for 3 months, I have always tried to be purposeful in my posts. My "drafts" section is quite full at the moment. I have written things and then never felt led to post them. Nevertheless, it is always good to write down what you are thinking, so my drafts will remain, for now, a personal space for thoughts I need to work through.

I have never made a serious New Year's resolution. They seem pointless to me, for the most part. A new year comes around pretty often. So this month, I made my own version- a New Semester resolution. You only get to have your first year of college once. Last semester, even though I was adjusting to an entirely new life, I didn't have a stable goal. I was living in negativity, for the most part. I hated myself for moving to Texas and I thought the entire thing was a mistake. I was miserable. I had no friends, nothing to look forward to (except going home) and I was very depressed most of the time. I did the one thing that everyone told me not to do- I sat in my dorm, sometimes for a whole day or an entire weekend. I worried constantly about everything that could go wrong.

The reality of my situation is that I wanted everything to be different except me. I didn't want to change or adjust. I wanted things to simply happen how I thought they should in order to please me. It was a very long and hard semester. The first week that I was home for winter break, I woke up around midnight having a terrible panic attack. I was terrified. I sat in the living room with my dad and cried and begged him to let me stay home. I convinced myself that I didn't belong there. My dad was so patient with me. (I could- and probably should- make an entire post just about the incredible parents I have) We talked for a long time about who I am the way I handle things, and about Baylor, God, and life in general. I knew I couldn't just quit one semester through. Four months is hardly a fair chance to give such a big adventure.

I have come so far since I was a freshman in high school. That Kelsey would never have even left her hometown for college. She was afraid of everything. She thought that God didn't see her, and in her darkest days, feared that God had no plan for her. Those fears and thoughts rooted themselves and grew terrible beliefs. Her heart was bitter and cold, and she lived with so many walls around herself that eventually she forgot how she had even built them, and so remembering how to tear them down has been a very long, hard process.

Going into my second semester of freshman year, my resolution is to live in peace and trust God that my every step is guided by a good and perfect plan. I am choosing joy amidst a rollercoaster of emotions. When I am sitting in my room at night missing my home, I thank God for blessing me with such a wonderful home, filled with nice things and loving people, to miss. When I am seeing Facebook posts or reading texts about all the things my friends and family are doing, and I long to be back with them to part of it, I thank God for putting me in the middle of such a passionate, amazing group of people who have taken wonderful care of me and who I can always count on to nurture my soul. When I feel like I will fail, I remember that I am here at Baylor because God has brought me. I can trust that as long as I do what is put in front of me, I will not fail.

So far this semester, I have been accepted into a wonderful Christian sorority on campus. Kappa Chi Alpha is a sisterhood filled with girls who have beautiful hearts. Being around them makes me feel loved, cherished, and welcomed. I am finding a home in KXA.

It's good to be back!
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While I was writing this, I was listening to Pandora. It's amazing how God uses music in my life to speak to me. Here are a few lyrics from some of the songs that played. (:

"Holy is the Lord God, Almighty! The earth is FILLED with His glory!"
"If it's Your will, then nothing can shake me... We've got to be children of peace."
"He is jealous for me. He loves like a hurricane, and I am a tree: bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy. I realize just how beautiful You are, and how GREAT your affections are for me. Oh, how He loves us!"
"Jesus, He loves me. He loves me; He is for me. Oh, Jesus, how can it be? He LOVES me; He is for me."
"For all Your goodness, I will keep on singing; ten-thousand reasons for my heart to find."
"You make beautiful things out of dust. You make things new, and You are making me new."
"What could I say, and what could I do, but offer this heart- Oh, God- completely to You?"
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-Thanks for reading! You can continue to follow my journey here. Prayers are always appreciated. Feel free to send me a prayer or some encouragement, too! Kelsey_Phipps@baylor.edu

 

"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, His generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Christ Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes." -Philippians 4:19-20

 

Prone to wonder... Prone to leave the God I love...

It's been almost an entire month since I updated! Wow- time has gone so fast. Recently, I have been busy with my first round of tests (which thankfully went well) and papers. I've also been busy trying to transition into a steady schedule here. On Mondays, I go to Jubilee Theatre, a community theatre that partners with Mission Waco, and help teach a theatre class to elementary/middle school students. They are going to perform Alice In Wonderland - I can't wait! They are all so excited and lively and fun to be around. (:

Since updating last, I've had the immense blessing of attending the annual freshman retreat and of getting to spend a weekend in Waco with my parents. Both weekends are memories I will keep and cherish for a long time.

God really moved in me during the retreat. It was unlike anything else I have experienced. At the very basis, just to spend a weekend away from all distractions, at a beautiful camp in the middle of nowhere, was so refreshing. We spent a lot of time in small groups and together in forms of worship very new to me. On Saturday, I was able to spend the afternoon painting (something I love to do!) with some other people. The peace of the entire trip was amazing. I wish it happened every weekend!

We had a morning worship service where we made boxes. On the boxes we wrote our names, names for Jesus that we liked, and sins we struggle with. We also drew a time in our life when we felt God most near, and a time when we could not feel Him. Then, we wrote a bible verse that meant a lot to us, and we stood and read them aloud wherever we were standing. To hear the room fill with the soft voices of other people repeating the word of God all at once was incredible. After finishing our boxes, we wrote a prayer consisting of anything that was on our heart to God and put it inside the box. Finally, we traded boxes with others in the room and prayed over their boxes, then wrote our initials on their box. This symbol that I have on my box of other people recognizing my heart and praying for it is a wonderful reminder of the support I have in my journey.

I felt so immensely blessed and close to my Saviour that weekend. It's a feeling I can't quite put into words. It reminds me of my favorite hymn, Come, Thou Fount. It's so beautiful and such a truthful description of my heart.

Come thou font of every blessing

Tune my heart to sing thy grace

Streams of mercy never ceasing

Call for songs of loudest praise

Teach me some melodious sonnet

Sung by flaming tongues above

Praise the mount I'm fixed upon it

Mount of thy redeeming love

Here I raise my Ebenezer

Hither by thy help I'm come

And I hope by thy good pleasure

Safely to arrive at home

Jesus sought me when a stranger

Wondering from the fold of God

He, to rescue me from danger

Interposed His precious blood

O to grace how how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be!

Let thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee

Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love

Here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above

 

I love that song so very much.

 

The following weekend, my parents visited for Family Weekend. I loved getting to have my mom and dad be on campus with me and being able to show them around Waco and make new memories with them! It's safe to say that I miss them more than anything and I don't know what I would have done if they couldn't have come that weekend. It was also a very peaceful, comforting time.

 

It's hard, sometimes, for me to be here. I am so tied to my roots and family that it can be a minute-by-minute process to survive here at Baylor. Especially these past few weeks, my heart has been aching for home and for familiarity. I have been lonely, discouraged, and upset about so many things. While I love being reminded of memories of my childhood and life at home, at the same time they crush me because that chapter of my life is over.

 

As long as I'm being honest, there are days that I'm driving on I-35 back to campus, and a large part of me is tempted to miss my exit and drive home right then (once I even did- but I took the next exit, and drove back to my dorm. That was one of the hardest things I've done). Sometimes I question my belonging here at Baylor, but as soon as I shut up long enough to let God say something, He takes hold of my heart and sends His peace. He shows me His love in so many languages and I feel it all around me, reassuring me that I am not alone here. One of my favorite songs is Smell The Color Nine by Chris Rice. "I can sniff, I can see, and I can count up pretty high, but these faculties aren't getting me any closer to the sky. But my heart of faith keeps pounding, so I know I'm doing fine... but sometimes finding You is just like trying to smell the color nine..." That is so true. I have never felt so close and so far away from God in such a short period of time. That's partly why I haven't blogged in the past month- it's been a real struggle to come up with anything when I felt so far away from God. Sometimes, however, it is therapeutic to just write about life, so that's what I'm doing. No facades, no sugar-coating, just honesty about my struggles and blessings.

 

My life right now may be a rollercoaster of events and emotions, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I am growing, changing, and experiencing far more than I ever have. I am beginning my life and searching the corners of my heart for the beauty that God has written on it. I am learning about this world and all that it needs, and all that I can do in it and for it. I am learning to be on my own and do things for myself-- even better, I am learning that I am CAPABLE of that. I can do this. In the past, I have been known to run from challenge and to embrace fear and play safely. Here, that is not an option, and my comfort zone has gone missing (if anyone finds it, let me know? kinda missin' it). I am experiencing serventhood and worship in incredibly real ways, and it is impacting me so deeply.

 

Yet again, a favorite song of mine is Smelling Coffee by Chris Rice. It's perfect to listen to when I wake up. "I'm smelling coffee, birds are singing just outside... Here comes Your mercy streaming in with the morning light! My heart is racing, waking up to Your smile, saying 'Good Morning!' I remember reading that Your the God who never sleeps; while I've been dreaming, You've been singing over me!" How can you not love that!? Chris Rice just gets me. Ha! (Thanks to my parents and Aunt DeAnn for my love for him!)

 

While I may miss my home and the memories I made during my childhood/adolescence, I have them in my heart forever and I can look at them and see all of the thousands of ways that God has blessed me beyond my deserving and comprehension. I can also look ahead to the future with confidence that His grace, love, and blessings will continue through my life. I am falling in love with my Saviour more than I ever thought possible, and my heart is so full.

 

Thanks for sticking out this long post that was basically just rambling about my life (:

Some people have asked about my address for care packages-- if you would like my address to send me letters, photos, packages, or whatever else you feel like putting through the mail... Just email me at the address below!! Receiving mail is one of my favorite things. Thank you in advance for your care and prayers.

Much love,

Kelsey

 

 

-Thanks for reading! You can continue to follow my journey here. Prayers are always appreciated. Feel free to send me a prayer or some encouragement, too! Kelsey_Phipps@baylor.edu

 

"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, His generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Christ Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes." -Philippians 4:19-20