"There is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper still."

Dearest daughter,

I know that you are struggling, and this is why you feel that I am not with you. You look around at your situation, and you let everything around you overwhelm you, so that you cannot see Me. The truth, darling, is that I am still here. I am as close as ever, sitting next to you in class, walking across campus with you, laughing alongside you as you enjoy a meal with friends. Can’t you see Me in these things? In being in college, at a university you told Me you would never be able to go to, or sitting around a table with good friends, people you told Me you would never find… And even if those things disappear, I am here, sweet girl, I am always here. There’s a song by Audio Adrenaline that talks about my devotion to you: “I’d leave 99, leave them all behind, to find you… for you alone,” so take heart, dear, because nothing can separate us.

 I know your biggest fear in this world is being unloved and forgotten; you are always so careful to be who you think others want you to be, because you fear that if you fail, they will say “I need space.” They will leave. They will ridicule you. You fear they will be laughing at you behind your back. I know you fear that people in your family will abandon you if you do not fit into their mold. I know you fear being removed from your extended family's love and consideration. Daughter, I know this has happened to you. I know this fear has been reality at some points. But this does not define you; it is not who you are. You are worthy of love. You are kind, gentle, joyful, intuitive, and brave. Your heart connects with the hurting and you would carry someone’s cross if it meant helping them. You think that smiling and laughing easily is a fault, but it’s how I made you. Your joy spreads to others; never be afraid to be joyful and to express your feelings. You have overcome many challenges, and you seek a deeper meaning than surface level in whatever you commit to. Those things bring wisdom.

Daughter, never be afraid to be yourself. There is nothing wrong with that. Stop thinking that everyone will hate you for being you. I created you, and My creation is beautiful, and it deserves to be treated as such. Treat yourself with the kindness and respect that you offer to others. Do not hide away for fear of judgment. I have brought you to where you are, and I would not bring you somewhere that would harm you. Trust Me, sweet girl. I’m so sorry this world has lied to you and left you feeling this way. I’m so sorry you feel vulnerable, unworthy, and forgotten. I need you now, though, to rise from that. I need you to be strong like I know you can be. I need you to speak up for yourself instead of shying away. Make your voice heard, because I have called you to a great plan, and I have made you a leader. I have made you for great things… Things you can’t even imagine. Do not forget that I finish what I start.

Overall, darling, remember that I am with you always, to the end of the age. I love you extravagantly, abundantly, and wholly. I see you, I know you, and I delight in you. You make me proud, joyful, and eager for what is to come. I am so amazed by the way you persevere and the way you love others. In your darkest moments—through every moment--I have been right beside you, holding you. We have laid on the bathroom floor while you cried, and we have danced around your room while you laughed and sang. I have felt your heart break, and it breaks Mine, too. I am working it back together again, but it just takes time, because you have so much to learn about Me and My love for you. I need you to trust Me enough to let go. I promise I will not leave you. I cannot promise you that bad things will never happen again, but I do promise you that I am right there through it all, that you are always held, always seen, and always loved.

I cherish you, daughter, I call you “friend.” I rejoice with your parents when they tell you that they love you, too. Even if it ends up that your parents are the only family who will embrace you, it is enough. I am enough. Do not fear that their love will leave you. I have created your family, I am working through them, and I love your parents just as I do you. I gave you to them because I know they will always love you. Do not hide away from them when you need them, because that is what family is for. We rejoice and we mourn together, and everything in between. Precious daughter, hold on- fear not. My love will never leave you. You could never do anything that would change the absolute joy I find in you. I know that you will make mistakes, sometimes bigger than what you can fix, and I know you have regrets. Lay them on me, all of your burdens, and let me take them. Let me make you new again. My grace is abounding, never running out, and I want to give it to you.

Find your beauty and worth in me, not in the world. It will never matter if you meet their expectations or not. Look to Me, seek My face, and stay focused on what I have for you. You can never disappoint Me, because I have seen your entire life before time began… And still I love you- extravagantly, abundantly, wholly. I am all things: mother and father, sister and brother, friend, counselor, king… My list goes on to cover the entire universe. I am everything you need.

Rest in My peace, grow in My grace, and abide in My love, dear.

-Abba

-Thanks for reading! You can continue to follow my journey here. Prayers are always appreciated. Feel free to send me a prayer or some encouragement, too! Kelsey_Phipps@baylor.edu

 

"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, His generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Christ Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes." -Philippians 4:19-20

Shepherd and Counselor; Faith and Contentment

Matthew 6:25-27 says "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air' they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"

The answer to that question is no. Worrying is not of God. At no point in the Bible does someone ask God what to do and receive an answer of "Well, you should probably worry, because that seems like a pretty big problem." Not even Adam and Eve, when they lose the garden, Not Mary, when she must carry and deliver the son of God, not Moses, when he frees the slaves, not Abraham and Sarah, when they ask for a child, not Noah, when the Earth floods, not Jonah, Ruth and Naomi, Mary and Martha, or any of the disciples... Not anyone in the Bible is told by God to worry. These people all faced some pretty life-changing problems and events. Imagine being responsible for the fall of man, being the mother of Jesus, being 100 years old and pregnant, or even living in a time when Christianity was so illegal that they fed you to lions for professing it-- I feel like I would worry a bit about those things if I encountered them. In fact, thinking about those problems makes all of my problems suddenly seem, well, not so problematic.

One of my favorite women in history is Perpetua. She lived during a time when Christians were being executed lion's-lunch style. Perpetua had just given birth to a little boy and was still nursing at the time she was brought before the leaders to either profess or deny her faith. Before she begins to speak, her father approaches her and begs her to renounce Christianity so she can come home to her child. He tells her that without her nursing, her baby boy will likely die. Perpetua knows that there is no hope for her being spared from death if she admits to being a Christian, yet she also knows there is no hope for her soul if she walks away from God. She chooses to trust God's plan and tells her father, "Do you see this vessel lying here... a little pitcher... Can it be called by any other name than what it is? Nor can I call myself anything other than what I am, a Christian."

Her father gets so angry that he abandons her. Perpetua spends the next few days seeking God and praying over the calling for her life. She prays that God would save her baby, and not long after, the child is brought to her so she can nurse him. However, the child rejects it, and though she has not nursed in weeks, Perpetua feels no pain. She glorifies God in her martyrdom, never worrying about whether her child will be cared for, because she knows that her God is more powerful than any Earthly force, and though they can separate child from mother, they cannot separate child from God. She also does not worry about her own life, because she trusts in God's will for her.

Worry is unhelpful, unreasonable, and unhealthy. We just started a new series in church, and last Sunday, worry was the topic. I loved the quote we heard from Dr. Charles Mayo, "You can't worry yourself to life, but you can worry yourself to death."

One of the biggest things I struggle with is control. Worry stems from wanting to have control over things that are out of your hands. Faith and worry are not compatible. If you trust God's will, you cannot simultaneously worry about your life. When you worry, what you are really saying is "God, I don't trust you. I want to control my own life because I don't think you will provide for me."

Thankfully, we have a God who ignores that ridiculous behavior, and guides us anyways.

Psalm 23 says that "God is MY shepherd...." not a shepherd, or the shepherd, but mine and yours. What does a shepherd do? He tends for sheep. We are the sheep in this- and sheep need a shepherd to survive. As far as animals go, I'm fairly sure sheep are at the bottom of the "self-survival" list. They have almost zero instinct to protect themselves, and the sad part is, they don't even know it. That's a good comparison to humans. We think we can do it, but we just can't. We spend so much time saying "This is what my heart wants, I want to be happy, I have a plan, etc..." but we forget to stop and ask what God has for us. God's plans are always so much better than our own. When we try to live for ourselves and for our own gain, we not only usually fail, but we miss out on many wonderful experiences that can only be reached when we live within God's will. I know so many people, especially people my age, who think they are living their best life by doing whatever they want to do, whatever comes their way and looks like it could bring happiness/contentment. The problem with that, though, is that contentment cannot be brought through things. It is formed through whatever we already have along with trust that God will keep us where we need to be. When you try to do your own thing, you almost guarantee that you will end up worrying about things. It's an endless cycle that gets you nowhere.

As sheep, that's all we can do on our own- live in a cycle of worry and failure. However, when we let our shepherd guide us, we can break the cycle and begin to live a truly fulfilling life. We discussed four things that our shepherd does in church:
1. He provides,
2. He protects,
3. He directs, and
4. He guides.
There is a difference between directing and guiding. To direct is to stay in one position while giving directions to another. Think of a time you were lost somewhere and asked for directions- the person most likely just gave you street names or landmarks to follow. Guiding involves going along, leading the way- like a tour guide.

So, to summarize: we shouldn't worry. God's good and perfect will never fails. When the universe was created, every human to ever walk the earth was formed in God's plan, and every breath we take is recorded before we are even born. Thinking about that amazes me- to know a God who literally has already seen every act of your lifetime, but who loves you extravagantly anyways.

Before I close, I should say that there are two things we should be worrying about:
1. Trying to shepherd our own life, and
2. Trying to save and forgive ourselves.
Why would we ever want to be our own shepherd when we have no idea what tomorrow holds? Especially when there is a shepherd who does know and is willing to take us in as soon as we call. Secondly, we simply cannot save or forgive ourselves. It doesn't work that way- not even in Earthly things. If you were to rob a bank, get caught, and stand before a judge, you could not say "Oh, wait! You should know that I have already forgiven myself." and get away with the robbery. You cannot live for yourself. The human heart is not to be trusted. You may acquire short-term gratification from living your own way, but you will never find true happiness apart from God.

Listen, you are so abundantly loved. The Bible tells us that nothing can ever separate us from this extravagant love. Jesus' love for us is so limitless that He endured the worst pain you could ever imagine. "You took the fall, and thought of me above all." Live in this love and trust in this promise.



-Thanks for reading! You can continue to follow my journey here. Prayers are always appreciated. Feel free to send me a prayer or some encouragement, too! Kelsey_Phipps@baylor.edu

 

"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, His generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Christ Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes." -Philippians 4:19-20

Prodigal Daughter Returning

Whoa, what a title. I'm back! It's not as dramatic as it sounds, though. This daughter is not just returning to her blog, but to God's presence and plan. We'll get into that later. While it was not intentional that I haven't posted for 3 months, I have always tried to be purposeful in my posts. My "drafts" section is quite full at the moment. I have written things and then never felt led to post them. Nevertheless, it is always good to write down what you are thinking, so my drafts will remain, for now, a personal space for thoughts I need to work through.

I have never made a serious New Year's resolution. They seem pointless to me, for the most part. A new year comes around pretty often. So this month, I made my own version- a New Semester resolution. You only get to have your first year of college once. Last semester, even though I was adjusting to an entirely new life, I didn't have a stable goal. I was living in negativity, for the most part. I hated myself for moving to Texas and I thought the entire thing was a mistake. I was miserable. I had no friends, nothing to look forward to (except going home) and I was very depressed most of the time. I did the one thing that everyone told me not to do- I sat in my dorm, sometimes for a whole day or an entire weekend. I worried constantly about everything that could go wrong.

The reality of my situation is that I wanted everything to be different except me. I didn't want to change or adjust. I wanted things to simply happen how I thought they should in order to please me. It was a very long and hard semester. The first week that I was home for winter break, I woke up around midnight having a terrible panic attack. I was terrified. I sat in the living room with my dad and cried and begged him to let me stay home. I convinced myself that I didn't belong there. My dad was so patient with me. (I could- and probably should- make an entire post just about the incredible parents I have) We talked for a long time about who I am the way I handle things, and about Baylor, God, and life in general. I knew I couldn't just quit one semester through. Four months is hardly a fair chance to give such a big adventure.

I have come so far since I was a freshman in high school. That Kelsey would never have even left her hometown for college. She was afraid of everything. She thought that God didn't see her, and in her darkest days, feared that God had no plan for her. Those fears and thoughts rooted themselves and grew terrible beliefs. Her heart was bitter and cold, and she lived with so many walls around herself that eventually she forgot how she had even built them, and so remembering how to tear them down has been a very long, hard process.

Going into my second semester of freshman year, my resolution is to live in peace and trust God that my every step is guided by a good and perfect plan. I am choosing joy amidst a rollercoaster of emotions. When I am sitting in my room at night missing my home, I thank God for blessing me with such a wonderful home, filled with nice things and loving people, to miss. When I am seeing Facebook posts or reading texts about all the things my friends and family are doing, and I long to be back with them to part of it, I thank God for putting me in the middle of such a passionate, amazing group of people who have taken wonderful care of me and who I can always count on to nurture my soul. When I feel like I will fail, I remember that I am here at Baylor because God has brought me. I can trust that as long as I do what is put in front of me, I will not fail.

So far this semester, I have been accepted into a wonderful Christian sorority on campus. Kappa Chi Alpha is a sisterhood filled with girls who have beautiful hearts. Being around them makes me feel loved, cherished, and welcomed. I am finding a home in KXA.

It's good to be back!
_____________________________________________________________

While I was writing this, I was listening to Pandora. It's amazing how God uses music in my life to speak to me. Here are a few lyrics from some of the songs that played. (:

"Holy is the Lord God, Almighty! The earth is FILLED with His glory!"
"If it's Your will, then nothing can shake me... We've got to be children of peace."
"He is jealous for me. He loves like a hurricane, and I am a tree: bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy. I realize just how beautiful You are, and how GREAT your affections are for me. Oh, how He loves us!"
"Jesus, He loves me. He loves me; He is for me. Oh, Jesus, how can it be? He LOVES me; He is for me."
"For all Your goodness, I will keep on singing; ten-thousand reasons for my heart to find."
"You make beautiful things out of dust. You make things new, and You are making me new."
"What could I say, and what could I do, but offer this heart- Oh, God- completely to You?"
_____________________________________________________________


-Thanks for reading! You can continue to follow my journey here. Prayers are always appreciated. Feel free to send me a prayer or some encouragement, too! Kelsey_Phipps@baylor.edu

 

"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, His generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Christ Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes." -Philippians 4:19-20

 

Prone to wonder... Prone to leave the God I love...

It's been almost an entire month since I updated! Wow- time has gone so fast. Recently, I have been busy with my first round of tests (which thankfully went well) and papers. I've also been busy trying to transition into a steady schedule here. On Mondays, I go to Jubilee Theatre, a community theatre that partners with Mission Waco, and help teach a theatre class to elementary/middle school students. They are going to perform Alice In Wonderland - I can't wait! They are all so excited and lively and fun to be around. (:

Since updating last, I've had the immense blessing of attending the annual freshman retreat and of getting to spend a weekend in Waco with my parents. Both weekends are memories I will keep and cherish for a long time.

God really moved in me during the retreat. It was unlike anything else I have experienced. At the very basis, just to spend a weekend away from all distractions, at a beautiful camp in the middle of nowhere, was so refreshing. We spent a lot of time in small groups and together in forms of worship very new to me. On Saturday, I was able to spend the afternoon painting (something I love to do!) with some other people. The peace of the entire trip was amazing. I wish it happened every weekend!

We had a morning worship service where we made boxes. On the boxes we wrote our names, names for Jesus that we liked, and sins we struggle with. We also drew a time in our life when we felt God most near, and a time when we could not feel Him. Then, we wrote a bible verse that meant a lot to us, and we stood and read them aloud wherever we were standing. To hear the room fill with the soft voices of other people repeating the word of God all at once was incredible. After finishing our boxes, we wrote a prayer consisting of anything that was on our heart to God and put it inside the box. Finally, we traded boxes with others in the room and prayed over their boxes, then wrote our initials on their box. This symbol that I have on my box of other people recognizing my heart and praying for it is a wonderful reminder of the support I have in my journey.

I felt so immensely blessed and close to my Saviour that weekend. It's a feeling I can't quite put into words. It reminds me of my favorite hymn, Come, Thou Fount. It's so beautiful and such a truthful description of my heart.

Come thou font of every blessing

Tune my heart to sing thy grace

Streams of mercy never ceasing

Call for songs of loudest praise

Teach me some melodious sonnet

Sung by flaming tongues above

Praise the mount I'm fixed upon it

Mount of thy redeeming love

Here I raise my Ebenezer

Hither by thy help I'm come

And I hope by thy good pleasure

Safely to arrive at home

Jesus sought me when a stranger

Wondering from the fold of God

He, to rescue me from danger

Interposed His precious blood

O to grace how how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be!

Let thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee

Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love

Here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above

 

I love that song so very much.

 

The following weekend, my parents visited for Family Weekend. I loved getting to have my mom and dad be on campus with me and being able to show them around Waco and make new memories with them! It's safe to say that I miss them more than anything and I don't know what I would have done if they couldn't have come that weekend. It was also a very peaceful, comforting time.

 

It's hard, sometimes, for me to be here. I am so tied to my roots and family that it can be a minute-by-minute process to survive here at Baylor. Especially these past few weeks, my heart has been aching for home and for familiarity. I have been lonely, discouraged, and upset about so many things. While I love being reminded of memories of my childhood and life at home, at the same time they crush me because that chapter of my life is over.

 

As long as I'm being honest, there are days that I'm driving on I-35 back to campus, and a large part of me is tempted to miss my exit and drive home right then (once I even did- but I took the next exit, and drove back to my dorm. That was one of the hardest things I've done). Sometimes I question my belonging here at Baylor, but as soon as I shut up long enough to let God say something, He takes hold of my heart and sends His peace. He shows me His love in so many languages and I feel it all around me, reassuring me that I am not alone here. One of my favorite songs is Smell The Color Nine by Chris Rice. "I can sniff, I can see, and I can count up pretty high, but these faculties aren't getting me any closer to the sky. But my heart of faith keeps pounding, so I know I'm doing fine... but sometimes finding You is just like trying to smell the color nine..." That is so true. I have never felt so close and so far away from God in such a short period of time. That's partly why I haven't blogged in the past month- it's been a real struggle to come up with anything when I felt so far away from God. Sometimes, however, it is therapeutic to just write about life, so that's what I'm doing. No facades, no sugar-coating, just honesty about my struggles and blessings.

 

My life right now may be a rollercoaster of events and emotions, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I am growing, changing, and experiencing far more than I ever have. I am beginning my life and searching the corners of my heart for the beauty that God has written on it. I am learning about this world and all that it needs, and all that I can do in it and for it. I am learning to be on my own and do things for myself-- even better, I am learning that I am CAPABLE of that. I can do this. In the past, I have been known to run from challenge and to embrace fear and play safely. Here, that is not an option, and my comfort zone has gone missing (if anyone finds it, let me know? kinda missin' it). I am experiencing serventhood and worship in incredibly real ways, and it is impacting me so deeply.

 

Yet again, a favorite song of mine is Smelling Coffee by Chris Rice. It's perfect to listen to when I wake up. "I'm smelling coffee, birds are singing just outside... Here comes Your mercy streaming in with the morning light! My heart is racing, waking up to Your smile, saying 'Good Morning!' I remember reading that Your the God who never sleeps; while I've been dreaming, You've been singing over me!" How can you not love that!? Chris Rice just gets me. Ha! (Thanks to my parents and Aunt DeAnn for my love for him!)

 

While I may miss my home and the memories I made during my childhood/adolescence, I have them in my heart forever and I can look at them and see all of the thousands of ways that God has blessed me beyond my deserving and comprehension. I can also look ahead to the future with confidence that His grace, love, and blessings will continue through my life. I am falling in love with my Saviour more than I ever thought possible, and my heart is so full.

 

Thanks for sticking out this long post that was basically just rambling about my life (:

Some people have asked about my address for care packages-- if you would like my address to send me letters, photos, packages, or whatever else you feel like putting through the mail... Just email me at the address below!! Receiving mail is one of my favorite things. Thank you in advance for your care and prayers.

Much love,

Kelsey

 

 

-Thanks for reading! You can continue to follow my journey here. Prayers are always appreciated. Feel free to send me a prayer or some encouragement, too! Kelsey_Phipps@baylor.edu

 

"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, His generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Christ Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes." -Philippians 4:19-20