FIRST- I'm going to shamelessly plug my sweet, caring, adorable baby brother's new blog.... Okay, so he's 17 and not so much a baby, but he'll always be six years old to me. It's just the way it is. He's certainly not going to be a senior in high school this year.
If you want to read some seriously fantastic stuff about human imperfection, God's love, being adventurous, and laugh along the way, check out his blog! (don't ask me why it has the name it does)
http://www.jonahsblogispoopoo.blogspot.com
Thanks!
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I can't believe it is already April. Looking back on my freshman year of college, it has absolutely flown by. I feel like October just happened, but here we are, just a few weeks away from May and the end of the school year. As finals approach and I have begun to attempt to make sense of how I will pack everything in my dorm into boxes to move out, there are a lot of thoughts and feelings I'm working through about my expectations for freshman year versus the reality I experienced.
I have so much more to learn in my time here. This year, simply adapting to the environment was a huge task. Professors ask entirely different things from students; I haven't had many classes match up in terms of how the professor conducted class and assigned tasks.
In all honesty, I have not been the shining star I expected myself to be this year. Nothing can really prepare you for the way college works. Sure, you can be prepared for the work load, and maybe even some of the material itself. It is quite impossible, however, to prepare for the independence beforehand. The key to surviving independence in college is to stay on top of it. Doing things you don't like is not fun, and in college, no one is there to make you do those things. Wasting time is effortless; being productive takes discipline and practice. You will not be perfect at it. You will fail multiple times, especially at first, but you have to remember to stay on top of it. When you fall off, get back on.
I wish I could go back in time and tell myself these things. I have an annoying tendency to mix my independent nature with my perfectionist personality. Those are very dangerous for me when mixed; I found myself wanting to succeed in college all on my own, and eventually, almost completely giving up when I realized I couldn't do that. Last semester, I worked extremely hard to battle and overcome depression, anxiety, fear, and homesickness. Basically, I was a hot mess, and it took a lot of time and reminders that God is better at control than I am (shocker...) to find peace and assurance that I was going to be okay in college. Coming back for second semester, God did this great thing where I rushed this one sorority and they, like, asked me to be a member. It was pretty cool, and y'know, I love them a lot and stuff. (: I found a home in KXA and some amazing, wonderful friends who care for me and make life way more fun.
Although this semester has been great as far as finding my place with friends, academics are another story. I got stuck with a lot of classes I was less-than-enthused about, and instead of making a decision to work through it and make the best of things, I closed myself off and convinced myself I could do the bear minimum and still make it through the semester. After all, what I thought really mattered was that I had people to hang out with, and I was having fun. Eventually, the minimum turned into struggling to keep up, and worrying about being able to complete the class at all, and somehow, I ended up sitting in the parking lot of a mall tonight, crying hysterically, terrified to pick up the phone and call my dad to tell him that I might be a complete failure.
I felt so broken, so stupid, and so beyond reach. In that moment, I questioned whether I had permanently screwed up God's plan for me. I felt miserable; "I'm so sorry," I kept saying, over and over again. "I'm so sorry, so sorry... How could I have done this? This is not who I am..." and when I thought about the dreams my parents have for me, about all the times they tell me how proud they are, "I'm so sorry, so sorry, so sorry... How could I do this to you? You'll be so disappointed..." I finally gathered enough courage to text my dad and ask him to call me. Unfortunately, he was busy at the moment, and so another 30 minutes passed while I drove around Waco, my courage fading quickly. When my phone finally rang, I considered not even answering it. What was the point? I had done something so wrong, there was nothing my dad could do for me. It would only disappoint him to hear me admit that I had made a terrible decision and was now struggling in my classes. Talking to my dad, he (of course) did have help for me. There was no judgment in his voice, only love and wisdom. I don't have words for how lucky I am to have that kind of love in my life. I know for sure I don't deserve it.
In my moments of unbelief, of doubting the strength and love of my Jesus, I was still not alone. I was not forgotten, not abandoned, not beyond reach. I had not wandered out of sight or strayed so far that I was on my own. My struggles were not unseen, either, not overlooked. No matter how trivial they are in the grand scheme, they were counted, spoken for, and I am not held by them. They do not define me. Writing this now, a Gungor song is playing on Pandora, singing "You still have me. You have my heart completely. You have me, you have me..." That is so relevant- even though I felt like I was beyond reach of Jesus, He still has my heart. He still loves me beyond compare, beyond description and imagination... Beyond this world. He hold the entirety of my heart and soul, and He is moving within me.
Another one of my favorite songs right now is "I Am Not Alone" by Kari Jobe. "You will go before me, You will never leave me... In the midst of deep sorrow, I see Your light is breaking through. The dark of night will not overtake me, I am pressing into You. Lord you fight my every battle, and I will not fear. You amaze me, redeem me, You call me as your own. You have always been faithful. You bring healing to my soul." I love hearing this truth spoken over me. There is nothing I can do to separate myself from this love.
The clearest moment of Jesus reassuring me, though, came before I even felt broken. Last Wednesday, David Crowder came to Baylor to perform. I have loved Crowder for as long as I can remember; it was so awesome to be able to see him live! Although I found myself distracted frequently throughout his set by my schedule for the day, there was a moment during his song "How He Loves" that I distinctly felt God's presence urging me into worship. The lyrics said "We are His portion, and He is our prize... Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes. I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way [He loves us]..."
I am so glad I held on to those words for tonight. I don't have time to dwell on the mistakes I've made when I know that they have been forgiven and I do not proceed without hope. There is nothing more powerful than my Jesus, so why should I not believe that His good and perfect plan is still at work in my life? I did not do my best this semester, I did not make the right choice in my classes, but my life is not over. This is only the beginning. I have not ruined myself and all of my chances. He gives more grace than I could ever count.
So, maybe there is a part of your life right now where you are feeling broken, worn down, or beyond reach. It feels like there is no way you could bounce back... Do not believe that. Trust that God knows you are imperfect, you are flawed, and you are going to struggle at times. Trust that God's plan includes those times. There's no surprising God; you were known before you were conceived. Simply accept the grace that is offered to you and let healing begin to restore your brokenness. You are created for so much more than you know.
As most of you know, I volunteer with a Waco-based organization called Jesus Said Love. It has transformed my life and awakened a calling from God within me. Brett and Emily Mills, the founders and Co-CEOs of Jesus Said Love, visited Baylor's chapel recently, and Brett said "God has such a big plan for your life... So big it would blow your mind to hear all of it now... So be patient and receive the pieces God gives you along the way." I have a deep love and respect for Brett and Emily, and hearing such a big role model in my life speak that truth over me was incredible. So now, I pass it on to you. You are not alone, He still has your heart, you don't have time to focus only on regret... God has a huge plan for you.
"No longer am I held by the yoke of this world; come abound in the yoke of Jesus... His yoke is easy, and His burden is so light."
-Thanks for reading! You can continue to follow my journey here. Prayers are always appreciated. Feel free to send me a prayer or some encouragement, too! Kelsey_Phipps@baylor.edu
"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, His generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Christ Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes." -Philippians 4:19-20
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