On this day, my family and I packed our bags and began a journey down to Waco, Texas. I had been accepted to Baylor University, with a sizeable scholarship, and my parents insisted that I visit before I throw out the option of attending. As we left that day, my heart was hard and my mind was made up- I hated Baylor. I hated Texas. I hated college. I did not want anything to do with any of them, but rather, wanted to enjoy my senior year stress-free, and continue to live at home and attend a community college in the fall.
The drive down was relatively smooth. We didn't even talk about Baylor very much. We had secured a spot in a campus tour thanks to my dad, who had called and used his impeccable people skills to persuade them to open a few extra spots on the "sold-out" tours. I was nervous the entire night before the tour, my head wrestling with my heart, but neither allowing God to speak to them.
I used to be someone who's life was ruled by fear. I was constantly afraid of something bad happening. I couldn't take any chances because someone might see, someone might laugh, or I might fail or be uncomfortable. I hid in the background instead of having any fun. I lived in constant fear of judgment and teasing by my peers. If I knew I had to interact with them, I would lie awake all night stressing about it. Many of my friendships were formed around people who only furthered my fear; we were friends because I allowed them to use and manipulate me. I was afraid that if I didn't, I would have no friends. I did have some friends who weren't like this, and they were wonderful friends to me. They encouraged me to push forward and be strong, and though I didn't listen to them in high school, they should know that I am remembering their advice every day now.
I used to be someone who's life was ruled by doubt. Especially as a little girl, I remember feeling like God did not see me. I often thought about my future and assumed I would always live in the small town I grew up in, graduate high school, get married, and raise children. That was the most I ever saw for my future; some days, I didn't even see that much happening. When we moved away from the small town, and I changed schools, my doubts increased. I began to doubt that God saw anyone in my family. I doubted that there was any worth of value within me. I saw myself as ugly, stupid, and worthless, and that's how I let people treat me. I spent junior high eating lunch in a classroom or the bathroom. I would cry myself to sleep every night. I thought that I was beyond all hope of ever being anything besides worthless.
I used to be someone who's life was ruled by shame. I have always had an extremely guilty conscience. As a little girl, when I saw others doing something wrong, or had done it myself, I would make myself sick over how bad it was. I was often the "tattle-tale" because I couldn't stand the guilt and shame of knowing that a wrong had been done. I also struggled with the idea of forgiveness and peace. My family attended a church for a few years when I was in elementary school that liked to teach children that they were very bad, and would always be very bad, and should feel ashamed for how bad they were in the sight of God. Many of their puppet skits included children being punished by their parents, and they would say "this is God punishing you because you have made God very, very mad." One particular morning, my Sunday school teacher told me that my entire family was bad and had made God angry because we had skipped church the previous week. She also told me that she knew that when I worshiped God, I was faking it, and that I would be sent to hell if I did not correct my behavior. These words rooted themselves in my heart, and took a very long time to dig out. I constantly felt the weight of every sin I was guilty of. I did not see how God could ever wholly forgive me. It became easy to sin because I believed that it was already too late for me to be forgiven.
Overall, I used to be someone who's life was simply not ruled by God. All of my years of fear, doubt and shame piled on top of me until I could no longer bear the burden. Walking across Baylor's campus for the first time, I felt every bit of that weight crushing me, pulling me down, holding me back. It had swallowed me whole, and I was unrecognizable to even myself. However, despite my fear, despite my doubt, and despite my shame, God took hold of me that day and began to pull the burdens away from me. At first, I clung to them, terrified of what it would look like to live without them. As miserable as they were, they had become my comfort zone, and part of me did not want to heal. Thankfully, God did not care that I was afraid. There was nothing new about that. It had to be obvious that this would be a hard task, because I was deeply rooted in the very things that separate humanity from God.
During the summer after graduation and throughout my first semester at Baylor, God continued to wrestle with me, fighting me to surrender control and allow healing to begin. I fought with everything I had, and became angry that I was struggling so much. Finally, though, I could not struggle anymore. I had reached the bottom, and there was nowhere else to run. I had to surrender, and give up my control, and allow God to strip me of everything I thought I needed to survive.
God has been so good to heal me, to bring me peace and courage during this time, and to take away my fear, doubt, and shame so completely that trying to return to them feels unnatural and awkward. As I walked across campus to class this morning, March 20, 2015, I am an entirely different girl than the one who walked this same path just one year ago. I am free from the burdens that weighed me down and stole my life from me. I can live in courage, confidence, and peace knowing that I am cherished, loved, and redeemed.
-Thanks for reading! You can continue to follow my journey here. Prayers are always appreciated. Feel free to send me a prayer or some encouragement, too! Kelsey_Phipps@baylor.edu
"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, His generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Christ Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes." -Philippians 4:19-20
