If I had the chance to start over.

Dear Kelsey, five years old,
Make as many memories as possible in the big blue house on Truman St. This is where you grow up. Please, for the love of all things holy, keep your room clean (well, not all the time. It's fun to spend the day with Grandma Patty cleaning). Love your little brother, and when he treats you badly, walk away and remember that he is the only little brother you have, and that he is a truly wonderful person who will always be so important in your life. Listen to Mom and Dad. Try your best in school, because homeschooling is preparing you for so many incredible things you can't even imagine. Pay attention to things. Listen to Mom and Dad talk and soak it all up. I know that times are so hard during these years, with no money and a lot of sadness, but instead of sitting in your room wondering if God exists, open your eyes, because He is sitting next to you, holding you and carrying you through so many heartbreaks that your little heart shouldn't have had to endure. Trust me- I know. I look back now, and I see very clearly that He was right there speaking to you. Love your daddy with all of your heart. He works harder than anyone you will ever know, and it's all for you. His heart holds so much love, wisdom, and grace. He is full of life and he has overcome mountains taller than real-life ones. Tell him you love him, because I know there are times when it doesn't look like it. Love your momma with all of your heart, too. Tell her every day that you are so thankful for her, because she could be out living her own life, but she's spending her days at home with you, teaching you and shaping you into something beautiful. I know, I know- things get really bad. When you have to leave the big blue house and move into the tiny, dirty trailer, don't look down on your family. Be grateful for the home God has provided you with, and use the small space to be even closer to your family. Your momma makes that house a home. It looks beautiful for what it is. Cherish the work they put into it. Do not sit in your room and think that the only thing God has for you is to live in this town and be married. Dream BIG, sister. I would tell you how things are turning out now, but you would never believe me. He counts the stars and knows them by name; you are not forgotten, not even a little bit. Lastly, make the most of living in the same town as Grandma Patty and Grandpa Earl. Ask Mom to go see them as much as possible. Ask Grandpa to tell you every story he can think of. Just sit in the presence of your family and know that you are so blessed beyond measure.
Learn these things now, so you don't have to later on.


Dear Kelsey, thirteen years old,
New schools suck. That's the absolute truth, and I'm sorry I can't give you anything better than that. But schools aren't new forever. Make a home where you are. Popularity literally does not exist. Everyone is human. People group themselves according to personalities/interests. No group is better than another. Embrace humanity. The apartment is smaller than some of your classrooms, but you are now next door to Papa and Lowie, and they are just too amazing. It's so much fun to see your grandma every day. Yes, she gets better. Don't sit in the bathroom and cry, but instead pray for her for strength and peace. She is so strong, and nothing can keep her down. She's still one of the most influential and important people in your life. Listen, things aren't easy right now. And you don't know the whole story, but that's okay. When you do know, you will be thankful for a God who kept you separate from what the devil was trying to do to your family. Sharing a bedroom with your brother is just not fun. But at night, when you can't sleep, pray for him. If you think you are having a rough time, imagine him-- the same situation, but two years younger. He has a heart that is hurting and he needs you to be there to lead him. Mom is in college, and you hate it now, but holy crap, Kels- watch her. She is blossoming. She is shining so brightly and that is something to be proud of. No, she can't be there for you all the time anymore, but she is a human, too, and she deserves to be happy. She's so incredible. YES, you DO want to be JUST LIKE HER! She never quits. She's your best friend. Someday, you'll want to spend every day with her, and you'll tell her everything. Your dad is taking any job he can, and things are stressful because there's no money, but don't get mad when he can't give you what you want. Respect him for the work he's putting in 24/7. He's working through some things in his own heart, and they are so important. He is learning to value himself. You love Dad more than anything. Someday, you'll call him every single night just to hear him talk. Mom and Dad Do make it through everything. They are an unbreakable force, and the devil just can't win against the power God has placed in their marriage. Once again, just like always: you are not alone. God sees you, God loves you, and God is right in the middle of your world, making all things new. Love yourself, girl. Do not think about ending your life. Do not listen to anyone who tells you that you are not enough. Do not stand in the mirror and hate what you see. God created you! You are BEAUTIFUL! Please love yourself. Please. Push down the walls and let people in. Trust God. You still wouldn't believe me if I told you about life after high school.


Dear Kelsey, sixteen years old,
No, this isn't life. This is God showing you that you are strong enough to make it. This is God trying to open your heart to Him so that you can enter true life. I promise that you cannot do it alone. Stop trying altogether and just listen to His voice. You meet your best friend this year. Hug her even when she doesn't want you to. That girl is a freakin' miracle for you, and she needs to be loved. She's gonna shine, someday, and God is speaking through you into her life. She'll tell you that someday... You'll cry. A lot. It's awesome. Don't listen to the teachers and coaches who are telling you that you're failing. They'll tell you until the day you graduate, and even after when you visit home from college. It's funny, though, how wrong they are. I can't believe that you STILL wouldn't believe me if I told you about life in just three years. Ha! Hold on, girl. It gets so much better. Listen. To. Mom. And. Dad. DO NOT be quick to anger. I know that you think you are so grown up and life is not fair because they treat you like a child, but someday, you will miss that. You will want your momma to take care of you. You will want your dad to walk in your room when he gets home from work and say hi. I know you love your brother, and I know that you spend countless hours defending him and praying for him.... But he doesn't. Involve him in that. Be proactive in forming a relationship with him. He's getting ready to shine, too. It's amazing! He still needs his big sister. Be the bigger person and love him more. Don't spend too much time away from family. I know they're crazy, but someday, they will be all you can talk about. You'll bring them up in conversation constantly. People will outright tell you "you must have a really close family!" and yes you do, so be proud now. Love yourself. Now, more than ever. See the value that God has placed in you and don't give anyone the authority to take it away. Not peers, bosses, friends, teachers, or coworkers. SHINE and GROW where you are planted. There is literally no limit to what you can do.

Dear Kelsey, eighteen years old,
I told you that you wouldn't believe me!!!!!! Stop right now. Commit to never living in fear again. Commit to trusting God with all of your heart, before you even pack one thing. When you leave for college, make sure your heart is ready. Fill it with God and family and be consistent to listen. "Be still and know that I am God." Do not, do not, do not sit around in your room. Everyone is telling you that, I know- so listen!!!! It's literally that easy. You have nothing to lose when the steps you take are led by God. It's not easy. It's the hardest thing yet. But do not make yourself sick over missing home. No one is forgetting you or leaving you behind. They will drive three hours to meet you at the airport and hug you and cry. They will cry every time you leave. They will pray for you every day. You are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses who are cheering for you. Don't take that the wrong way- they aren't watching for you to fail. If you fail, they are there to help you up. It's amazing. It's overwhelming. It's glorious. It is the kingdom of God in action. Congratulations on your achievements! I hope now that you believe that there is literally nothing limiting you. Go for it, whatever it is. It either happens, or God has something else. Either way, you win. You have the very best parents and sibling and entire family. You can do this. You have been through the hard times we already talked about, and you now know that God was there the whole time, and you never really fell. Believe that that truth has not and will not ever change. Love yourself.

Sincerely,
You, age nineteen and catching up on a lot.



-Thanks for reading! You can continue to follow my journey here. Prayers are always appreciated. Feel free to send me a prayer or some encouragement, too! Kelsey_Phipps@baylor.edu

 

"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, His generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Christ Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes." -Philippians 4:19-20

Prodigal Daughter Returning

Whoa, what a title. I'm back! It's not as dramatic as it sounds, though. This daughter is not just returning to her blog, but to God's presence and plan. We'll get into that later. While it was not intentional that I haven't posted for 3 months, I have always tried to be purposeful in my posts. My "drafts" section is quite full at the moment. I have written things and then never felt led to post them. Nevertheless, it is always good to write down what you are thinking, so my drafts will remain, for now, a personal space for thoughts I need to work through.

I have never made a serious New Year's resolution. They seem pointless to me, for the most part. A new year comes around pretty often. So this month, I made my own version- a New Semester resolution. You only get to have your first year of college once. Last semester, even though I was adjusting to an entirely new life, I didn't have a stable goal. I was living in negativity, for the most part. I hated myself for moving to Texas and I thought the entire thing was a mistake. I was miserable. I had no friends, nothing to look forward to (except going home) and I was very depressed most of the time. I did the one thing that everyone told me not to do- I sat in my dorm, sometimes for a whole day or an entire weekend. I worried constantly about everything that could go wrong.

The reality of my situation is that I wanted everything to be different except me. I didn't want to change or adjust. I wanted things to simply happen how I thought they should in order to please me. It was a very long and hard semester. The first week that I was home for winter break, I woke up around midnight having a terrible panic attack. I was terrified. I sat in the living room with my dad and cried and begged him to let me stay home. I convinced myself that I didn't belong there. My dad was so patient with me. (I could- and probably should- make an entire post just about the incredible parents I have) We talked for a long time about who I am the way I handle things, and about Baylor, God, and life in general. I knew I couldn't just quit one semester through. Four months is hardly a fair chance to give such a big adventure.

I have come so far since I was a freshman in high school. That Kelsey would never have even left her hometown for college. She was afraid of everything. She thought that God didn't see her, and in her darkest days, feared that God had no plan for her. Those fears and thoughts rooted themselves and grew terrible beliefs. Her heart was bitter and cold, and she lived with so many walls around herself that eventually she forgot how she had even built them, and so remembering how to tear them down has been a very long, hard process.

Going into my second semester of freshman year, my resolution is to live in peace and trust God that my every step is guided by a good and perfect plan. I am choosing joy amidst a rollercoaster of emotions. When I am sitting in my room at night missing my home, I thank God for blessing me with such a wonderful home, filled with nice things and loving people, to miss. When I am seeing Facebook posts or reading texts about all the things my friends and family are doing, and I long to be back with them to part of it, I thank God for putting me in the middle of such a passionate, amazing group of people who have taken wonderful care of me and who I can always count on to nurture my soul. When I feel like I will fail, I remember that I am here at Baylor because God has brought me. I can trust that as long as I do what is put in front of me, I will not fail.

So far this semester, I have been accepted into a wonderful Christian sorority on campus. Kappa Chi Alpha is a sisterhood filled with girls who have beautiful hearts. Being around them makes me feel loved, cherished, and welcomed. I am finding a home in KXA.

It's good to be back!
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While I was writing this, I was listening to Pandora. It's amazing how God uses music in my life to speak to me. Here are a few lyrics from some of the songs that played. (:

"Holy is the Lord God, Almighty! The earth is FILLED with His glory!"
"If it's Your will, then nothing can shake me... We've got to be children of peace."
"He is jealous for me. He loves like a hurricane, and I am a tree: bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy. I realize just how beautiful You are, and how GREAT your affections are for me. Oh, how He loves us!"
"Jesus, He loves me. He loves me; He is for me. Oh, Jesus, how can it be? He LOVES me; He is for me."
"For all Your goodness, I will keep on singing; ten-thousand reasons for my heart to find."
"You make beautiful things out of dust. You make things new, and You are making me new."
"What could I say, and what could I do, but offer this heart- Oh, God- completely to You?"
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-Thanks for reading! You can continue to follow my journey here. Prayers are always appreciated. Feel free to send me a prayer or some encouragement, too! Kelsey_Phipps@baylor.edu

 

"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, His generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Christ Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes." -Philippians 4:19-20