"Open when... You need to be inspired."

First of all, I want to say how much I love and appreciate my Aunt DeAnn and Uncle Brian-- their words, wisdom, hearts, and actions have given me an infinity of blessings and love in my life. For graduation, they wrote me a series of "Open when..." letters; I have always wanted a set of these and receiving them from people who have poured so greatly into my life was the best gift they could have given me.

Within the set of brightly colored envelopes, near the back, is a yellow one titled "Open when... You need to be inspired." These past two weeks have been the hardest I've gone through here at Baylor so far. They have been filled with a deep longing to return home, a seemingly endless ache in my heart that has emptied me of all hope and faith. I spent an entire weekend sitting in my dorm room feeling alone and miserable. I called my parents constantly, begging them to come get me and coming up with a million reasons why I don't belong here at Baylor. And who knows if any of those reasons are true or if any are completely false, the only thing I know right now comes from something my dad told me. I am waiting on God.

I am patiently (well, sort of patiently) listening to Him, reminding myself that if I need to move, He will direct my steps. I sometimes forget how faithful He is to direct me. When I look around at where I am, I have no other explanation than God. When I look at myself as a little girl- remembering all the memories I have, and seeing who I was, I am amazed to say to that little girl "you will attend one of the best universities in the entire country." My ten-year-old heart cannot believe it- I would have told you that I did not believe in fairytales, that I could never ask my parents to pay such a large tuition. If you had thrown in the fact that I wouldn't be paying tuition, I would have laughed at you.

So sitting here in my room, thinking about all the pain I have been feeling alongside the miracle that I am even in this place to feel it, I can't give a straight answer about where I belong in this world. I can only say that for right now, I am here, and God is here with me, and that is enough for me. If someday He calls me to leave Baylor and go somewhere else, I will know that wherever that is, He will be there with me. I cannot say that everything here is hard right now; I have great classes with amazing professors and I am learning and growing so much this semester. My religion class especially, though it is challenging, is opening my heart to so many aspects of God. He is so endless and mighty; I am constantly in awe of the beauty I encounter. Through the negativity that our world revolves around, He is a wellspring of life and joy, and His grace is ever-present in the midst of trials.

I opened the letter a little while ago, and I want to share some of the quotes it has that have inspired me. I hope they inspire you, too. (:

"So go out and live real good and I promise you'll get beat up real bad. But, in a little while after you're dead, you'll be rotted away anyway. It's not gonna matter if you have a few scars. It will matter if you didn't live." -Rich Mullins

"In my deepest wound I saw your glory, and it dazzled me." -Augustine

"To worry about tomorrow is to forfeit your peace today." -Tony Evans

"Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be?" -Dale Partridge

"What God authors in your heart, he finishes in your life." -Brian Houston

"Futile, the winds, to a heart at port." -Emily Dickenson


That's all I have this time. Some honesty about my struggles and some inspiration for me and anyone else needing it. (:



-Thanks for reading! You can continue to follow my journey here. Prayers are always appreciated. Feel free to send me a prayer or some encouragement, too! Kelsey_Phipps@baylor.edu

 

"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, His generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Christ Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes." -Philippians 4:19-20

          

Prone to wonder... Prone to leave the God I love...

It's been almost an entire month since I updated! Wow- time has gone so fast. Recently, I have been busy with my first round of tests (which thankfully went well) and papers. I've also been busy trying to transition into a steady schedule here. On Mondays, I go to Jubilee Theatre, a community theatre that partners with Mission Waco, and help teach a theatre class to elementary/middle school students. They are going to perform Alice In Wonderland - I can't wait! They are all so excited and lively and fun to be around. (:

Since updating last, I've had the immense blessing of attending the annual freshman retreat and of getting to spend a weekend in Waco with my parents. Both weekends are memories I will keep and cherish for a long time.

God really moved in me during the retreat. It was unlike anything else I have experienced. At the very basis, just to spend a weekend away from all distractions, at a beautiful camp in the middle of nowhere, was so refreshing. We spent a lot of time in small groups and together in forms of worship very new to me. On Saturday, I was able to spend the afternoon painting (something I love to do!) with some other people. The peace of the entire trip was amazing. I wish it happened every weekend!

We had a morning worship service where we made boxes. On the boxes we wrote our names, names for Jesus that we liked, and sins we struggle with. We also drew a time in our life when we felt God most near, and a time when we could not feel Him. Then, we wrote a bible verse that meant a lot to us, and we stood and read them aloud wherever we were standing. To hear the room fill with the soft voices of other people repeating the word of God all at once was incredible. After finishing our boxes, we wrote a prayer consisting of anything that was on our heart to God and put it inside the box. Finally, we traded boxes with others in the room and prayed over their boxes, then wrote our initials on their box. This symbol that I have on my box of other people recognizing my heart and praying for it is a wonderful reminder of the support I have in my journey.

I felt so immensely blessed and close to my Saviour that weekend. It's a feeling I can't quite put into words. It reminds me of my favorite hymn, Come, Thou Fount. It's so beautiful and such a truthful description of my heart.

Come thou font of every blessing

Tune my heart to sing thy grace

Streams of mercy never ceasing

Call for songs of loudest praise

Teach me some melodious sonnet

Sung by flaming tongues above

Praise the mount I'm fixed upon it

Mount of thy redeeming love

Here I raise my Ebenezer

Hither by thy help I'm come

And I hope by thy good pleasure

Safely to arrive at home

Jesus sought me when a stranger

Wondering from the fold of God

He, to rescue me from danger

Interposed His precious blood

O to grace how how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be!

Let thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee

Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love

Here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above

 

I love that song so very much.

 

The following weekend, my parents visited for Family Weekend. I loved getting to have my mom and dad be on campus with me and being able to show them around Waco and make new memories with them! It's safe to say that I miss them more than anything and I don't know what I would have done if they couldn't have come that weekend. It was also a very peaceful, comforting time.

 

It's hard, sometimes, for me to be here. I am so tied to my roots and family that it can be a minute-by-minute process to survive here at Baylor. Especially these past few weeks, my heart has been aching for home and for familiarity. I have been lonely, discouraged, and upset about so many things. While I love being reminded of memories of my childhood and life at home, at the same time they crush me because that chapter of my life is over.

 

As long as I'm being honest, there are days that I'm driving on I-35 back to campus, and a large part of me is tempted to miss my exit and drive home right then (once I even did- but I took the next exit, and drove back to my dorm. That was one of the hardest things I've done). Sometimes I question my belonging here at Baylor, but as soon as I shut up long enough to let God say something, He takes hold of my heart and sends His peace. He shows me His love in so many languages and I feel it all around me, reassuring me that I am not alone here. One of my favorite songs is Smell The Color Nine by Chris Rice. "I can sniff, I can see, and I can count up pretty high, but these faculties aren't getting me any closer to the sky. But my heart of faith keeps pounding, so I know I'm doing fine... but sometimes finding You is just like trying to smell the color nine..." That is so true. I have never felt so close and so far away from God in such a short period of time. That's partly why I haven't blogged in the past month- it's been a real struggle to come up with anything when I felt so far away from God. Sometimes, however, it is therapeutic to just write about life, so that's what I'm doing. No facades, no sugar-coating, just honesty about my struggles and blessings.

 

My life right now may be a rollercoaster of events and emotions, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I am growing, changing, and experiencing far more than I ever have. I am beginning my life and searching the corners of my heart for the beauty that God has written on it. I am learning about this world and all that it needs, and all that I can do in it and for it. I am learning to be on my own and do things for myself-- even better, I am learning that I am CAPABLE of that. I can do this. In the past, I have been known to run from challenge and to embrace fear and play safely. Here, that is not an option, and my comfort zone has gone missing (if anyone finds it, let me know? kinda missin' it). I am experiencing serventhood and worship in incredibly real ways, and it is impacting me so deeply.

 

Yet again, a favorite song of mine is Smelling Coffee by Chris Rice. It's perfect to listen to when I wake up. "I'm smelling coffee, birds are singing just outside... Here comes Your mercy streaming in with the morning light! My heart is racing, waking up to Your smile, saying 'Good Morning!' I remember reading that Your the God who never sleeps; while I've been dreaming, You've been singing over me!" How can you not love that!? Chris Rice just gets me. Ha! (Thanks to my parents and Aunt DeAnn for my love for him!)

 

While I may miss my home and the memories I made during my childhood/adolescence, I have them in my heart forever and I can look at them and see all of the thousands of ways that God has blessed me beyond my deserving and comprehension. I can also look ahead to the future with confidence that His grace, love, and blessings will continue through my life. I am falling in love with my Saviour more than I ever thought possible, and my heart is so full.

 

Thanks for sticking out this long post that was basically just rambling about my life (:

Some people have asked about my address for care packages-- if you would like my address to send me letters, photos, packages, or whatever else you feel like putting through the mail... Just email me at the address below!! Receiving mail is one of my favorite things. Thank you in advance for your care and prayers.

Much love,

Kelsey

 

 

-Thanks for reading! You can continue to follow my journey here. Prayers are always appreciated. Feel free to send me a prayer or some encouragement, too! Kelsey_Phipps@baylor.edu

 

"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, His generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Christ Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes." -Philippians 4:19-20