Welcome to the river.

One month ago today, I sat in a chair in a tattoo shop and heard God very clearly ask me to trust Him, for real. To give everything over to Him and to have a patient, devoted heart. (You can read about that here.) I have spent this past month reminding myself of this. I didn't want my tattoo to simply be ink on my skin-- it has purpose, its story is beautiful and redeeming, and I want to always keep that redemption and beauty close to me. Yesterday, when I realized that today would be one month, I was frustrated. It has barely felt like a week since it all happened. I thought about that night, about the way God had spoken to me, and about what I had done with this first month.

• I left a job that was destructive to me. I was making hardly any money, sometimes even owing more money than I made. It was taking one of the most joyful parts of my life and painting a very broken, negative picture of it. It was trapping me in lies about myself- inadequacy, to be specific. Leaving was hard, because I don't like the uncertainty of not having a job, but already, things are better.
• I went home and saw my family and friends for the first time since August. Making the choice to spend fall break at home instead of going on a trip seemed easy at first, but on the long drive home, I worried that I was missing out on an experience. However, there was so much peace and rest at home. Being with my family was wonderful. It was simply joyous. I am so blessed to have so many people in my life who bring me closer to Jesus.
• I walked away from destructive relationships. I am a giver, and I find joy in doing things for others. However, this sometimes means that I am not good at making boundaries, and I don't always recognize when I'm being taken advantage of-- instead, I take it on as my own inadequacy. I spent a long time feeling defeated and wondering how Jesus must see me, if the people around me saw me so negatively. Loving yourself enough to take a step back when people aren't treating you right is extremely hard, especially for me. I felt so guilty for standing up for myself, but my days are already brighter. I understand the beauty and worth that Jesus finds in me. I don't constantly worry that I'm not doing enough for my friends, because the company I keep is good, honest, and genuine. It is Christ-centered, and I walk away feeling encouraged and valued, instead of used and alone.
• I sought help for a problem that has been hindering my life for years. For a while now, I have known that I struggle with anxiety. I never wanted to admit that it was bad enough to need help, but realizing that I can be freed from the chains it binds me in has been so freeing in itself that I can't imagine not seeking help for it. I'm so thankful to go to a university that offers so many resources for me to seek help and find peace. I am finding myself surrounded by the indescribable peace that Jesus brings. I am breathing deep, resting in quiet moments instead of worrying in them.

I am determined to find a home where I'm at. I am confident that I am exactly where I'm meant to be right now. That doesn't mean that I'm in this incredible place, just that I am where Jesus wants me to be. I can spend my time fighting it, trying on my own to fix things and find better places, or I can simply stop fighting and come and rest in Jesus' arms. I can choose to trust Him without borders, as the ink on my skin declares.

He will not forsake me for even a moment, He never leaves my side. He always finds beauty, joy, and worth in me. He holds me, He keeps me safe. He knows my steps before I take them. He is all-powerful, and He directs my path. He brings me peace in my darkest moments. I never walk alone, and I never walk into a path He does not already see. Not only does He know my heart's desires, He created them, and He cherishes them. He calls me "friend" and "daughter." He picks me up when I am weary, and He carries me when I cannot go on.

There are easy and hard days. Some days, there are far more questions than answers. But having spent this past month asking God where I needed to trust Him more has been so beneficial to me. I want to spend this next month living in absolute trust- doing my very best to give not just the biggest parts of my life to Him, but every single part. In the little moments where I am tempted to try and move on my own, I want to remember the wondrous beauty I encountered from giving over the big parts. I want to pursue wisdom and peace. I turn 20 in one month, and I want to start this first year of real adulthood being grounded in trust. I can't wait to see what God holds for me. There is new life for me.

I've been listening to Meredith Andrews while writing this, and currently, her song "The River" is playing. How fitting. I am sitting at the river, while Jesus is preparing me to dive in and be made whole. "Welcome to the river," He invites me, calling my name,  "come drink, come away, come find your very life. Welcome to the river of God, where your brokenness is washed away."


-Thanks for reading! You can continue to follow my journey here. Prayers are always appreciated. Feel free to send me a prayer or some encouragement, too! Kelsey_Phipps@baylor.edu

 

"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, His generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Christ Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes." -Philippians 4:19-20