So, to start off, Friday night I ended up getting a tattoo! I've had the design in mind for over a year, but it has always been just a "someday" idea. Here's a pic:
"Trust without borders." It is a reminder, a declaration, and a promise. It comes from Hillsong United's "Oceans," a song that was deeply influential in my journey to Baylor. My mom and I usually cry when we hear it. (:
I certainly didn't intend to spend my Friday night getting a tattoo. In fact, recently, I had discarded this idea altogether- and I had discarded the song and the meaning behind it, and worst of all, God's plan and work in me. Sophomore year has brought new challenges. As much as I thought that it would be incredibly easy, since I survived freshman year, all new obstacles have shown themselves, spitting in my face and laughing at my weakness. Instead of holding tight to God while we faced them together, I hid away from them and from God. I stopped seeking the great adventure that I had longed for. I wanted to run towards it, but it felt so impossible. I felt so ashamed, like a failure, and convinced myself that I had ruined my chances at chasing my dreams and bringing them to reality.
Fear is a nasty monster. Comparison is the thief of joy. Loneliness is a deep pit. These are the three things that took the place of God in my heart. They pushed and shoved until they consumed me. I was doing the one thing I promised myself I wouldn't do- I was being weak. I was losing. I had spent all summer summoning courage and bravery, vowing to face each day at Baylor with a "can-do" attitude. I even bought a journal that had me write down one brave thing I did each day. That journal still only has two entries. It didn't take long at all for me to lose my own battle- I was so determined to be the absolute best version of myself that I had ever been. I couldn't handle the pressure, and I cracked.
I wanted to have the answers. I wanted to be on top of everything. I wanted to make fabulous grades, have a good job with a big paycheck, and be active in all of my extracurriculars. I wanted my relationship with Jesus to be rock-solid, unwavering, and absolutely beautiful. I refused to accept anything else. So when I came up short, I threw it all away. What was I thinking? I had never been anything like this. There was no way I could change it all now and be some amazing person who had her life together. People always make jokes about me being a "hot mess," and they aren't wrong. I am a mess. That's all I've ever been.
The past two weeks have been the hardest. I completely stopped listening to anything God might be saying to me, or showing me. I couldn't bring myself to face Him. I would only make empty promises that would unravel before I could finish making them. There was so much shame and guilt surrounding me. Then I began to worry about facing my family; what would they say? You could see the failure all over my face, like there was a sign taped there: "this idiot never gets it right."
The sign became a list: "Her grades are laughable, she has no real friends, and her paycheck doesn't even last three days. She hasn't slept in three days. She failed a neuroscience test. Her friends think she's crazy. She can only work 12 hours a week. She hasn't showered in two days."
The list shouted its contents in my face everywhere I went. When I spoke, it shouted over me. When I was silent, it whispered in my ear, feeding itself into my heart. By Wednesday of last week, I was so far off from God that even listening to the worship music that usually renews my soul could only make me feel disappointed.
Then, Friday night, I was sitting in a tattoo shop with a friend. I was there only for moral support. When we walked into the shop, though, I felt different. It felt familiar, for some unknown reason. As we signed her in and waited for her turn, I could only concentrate on how odd this feeling was. I opened the folder on my phone where the tattoo design was saved, and looked at it. I had gone to a few shops at home to have it priced, and they had all said at least $100. I had about $50 to spend that night. After my friends said I should get the tattoo, I walked up to the front and asked them to price it. I still had no intention of actually going through with it. There was no way I could afford it, and even then, I wasn't even sure I believed in its significance anymore. Then I heard the man behind the counter say "$45." I thanked him and walked away. I ended up going into the bathroom, almost panicking at the thought of this tattoo. Why was I even considering this???
It felt crazy. But at the same time, it felt right. I felt peaceful. It was like I was doing this no matter how I really felt about it. Why? What the hell had gotten into me? I couldn't just put permanent ink on my skin if the message had turned from a song in my heart to a reminder of my failure. But I left the bathroom, walked back up to the desk, signed my papers, paid my $45, and sat back down to wait my turn. Then I walked back to the room, told the artist where I wanted it, and sat in the chair. I got the tattoo. It hardly hurt, but I freaked out nonetheless. This was insane. There was no going back. But later on, when I was lying in bed, staring at a picture of the words now permanently a part of me, the presence of God was overwhelming. I was consumed not with fear, or regret, but with peace and love. It was a beautiful reassurance that this is what it took for God to get my attention. And that may sound crazy- a tattoo as a form of redemption? But I strongly believe that it is.
This redemption has reminded me of the truth- that I fail because I attempt on my own. That I do not have to bring anything to the table except trust. God works it all out for me, I only have to be still and listen. My dad and I were talking a few nights ago, and he told me "I truly believe that you are right where you're supposed to be right now. Not just your physical location, but spiritually, and emotionally, too. You have a lot more questions than answers, and the questions are questions of maturity. I know that the answers are their way. Keep allowing yourself to be open, open to new and different things. Big things, big challenges, and big adventures. This is the time to listen without anticipating what He's saying. Without 'interrupting' what He's telling you. Make Him speak loud and clear. Listen quietly and carefully, and yet aggressively. Don't sell yourself short, that's really only selling Him short. Be careful not to think or say 'I can't' but instead, 'I will.'" WOW. What incredible wisdom. He's the best.
Ultimately, I know that the dreams and desires of my heart were placed there by God when I was created. I know that each and every day of my life has been formative in some way to further the plan and the calling that has been placed on my life. It is so easy to get caught up in trying to do it all by myself- thinking that I know more than God, that I can do it on my own... Sometimes even that I can do it better my way. But all of those attempts fall to the ground, and I am always left cleaning up the mess. Thankfully, God never steps away from me... never even moves an inch. In all of my wandering, all of my refusal to open my heart and come sit at the table, He is there. When I convince myself that I am not worthy of a seat at the table- that I am unworthy of love, grace, and acceptance, God is already working around me, preparing me for whatever comes next.
It reminds me of Jesus asking Peter to step out of the boat. Peter is terrified, and tells Jesus he cannot do it. The whole point Jesus is making is, "I know you can't. But I can. And if I say that you can, it will be done." We can't do it alone. We have to get out of the boat with the mindset of letting Jesus take care of things, or we will drown.
How beautiful it is to have a Savior who tears down my walls and leads me to beautiful places. My hope, my peace, my strength, my trust is in Him, and it is a love without end, a journey that knows no borders. He loves so perfectly. His love stretches beyond my wildest dreams. He is steadfast and unwavering. He is all-powerful, and He loves me at my darkest. I would so much rather spend my life struggling and trusting in God than struggling all by myself. I will never be perfect. There will be times like this for the rest of my life, when I try to do things on my own, and lose sight of the truth. But The Truth never loses sight of me. Hallelujah. I am so in awe of the extravagant love that died for me, that lives for me, and that carries me through every day of my life. What a good, good father.
"You called me out upon the waters. The great unknown, where feet may fail. And there I find you in the mystery... In oceans deep, my faith may fail. But I will call upon your name, and keep my eyes above the waves. When oceans rise, my soul will rest in your embrace; for I am yours, and you are mine. Your grace abounds in deepest waters. Your sovereign hand will be my guide. Though feet may fail and fear surrounds me, you've never changed, and you won't start now. Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior." -Oceans, Hillsong United
-Thanks for reading! You can continue to follow my journey here. Prayers are always appreciated. Feel free to send me a prayer or some encouragement, too! Kelsey_Phipps@baylor.edu
"You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, His generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Christ Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes." -Philippians 4:19-20
